Henry James sells Heinz baked beans

In Competition No. 3201, a contest inspired by Salman ‘naughty but nice’ Rushdie, you were invited to submit advertising copy for the product of your choice in the style of a well-known author. In a huge and hotly contested entry, unlucky losers Bill Greenwell, Brian Murdoch, Ann Drysdale, Tom Adam and Nick MacKinnon were only narrowly outflanked by those below who take £25 each. Congratulations, all round.

Once upon the throne I squatted, almost bursting a carotid Till my bowels were unclotted and my mind was free once more. Then I found the toilet paper smelled of germicidal vapour And, like a potato scraper, left my bottom rough and sore. Be it Izal, be it Bronco, shall I ever know for sure? But, I swear it, nevermore!   Desperate, I strove to find a toilet tissue smoother, kinder, Till a timely friend’s reminder told me Andrex knows the score. Take the word of one who knows it, one who in his wisdom chose it, Count on being, once you close it, safe behind the bathroom door. No more sanding of the hind parts, happiness in every pore,Puppy-soft for evermore. Basil Ransome-Davies/Edgar Allen Poe

Do not go gentle into that good night. No, live a bit before you rest in peace — Spend, spend against the dying of the light.   Wise men, near death, who visit our website, Who click the link to Equity Release, Do give all their inheritors a fright.   Good men, you cannot take it with you, right? So buy a yacht and second home in Greece. Rage, rage — and then prepare to book your flight.   Wild men, you have no need to be polite. We’re waiting for you here at Credit Suisse: Do not go gentle when the end’s in sight.   Grave men, forget the kids — they’ll only fight; Release it now, for after your decease, It’s far too late for us to expedite.