High life | 30 July 2015

We all agree that a world without manners would make this a pretty grim place to live. Offensive informality is pretty much accepted nowadays, and manners are at times seen as a superficial activity. But good manners are as much a part of our culture as great books, great paintings and great classical music. At times, of course, one can carry good manners too far.

My friend Timmy, a gent and a gem of a man, has exquisite manners, a couple of titled daughters, and likes to drink beer. He never fails to thank his host or hostess, and makes it a habit to thank them in print. Not so long ago, perhaps five to ten years, he convinced a friend of his, a speechwriter for the Tory party, to allow him to serve as a waiter at an orgy. Yes, I know, it sounds funny, but even Tories like sex and some of them even have orgies. Not to labour the point, Timmy dressed up as a butler and was given a tray and allowed into the inner sanctum of a grand London house where the gig was on. The moment he walked in, however, he burst out laughing, dropped his tray and was unceremoniously shown the door by a couple of naked men with drooping you-know-whats. When I heard about it, I asked Timmy what the hell was wrong with him. ‘I simply couldn’t keep a straight face,’ he said, ‘watching a naked man with a huge erection demanding to know the host’s name in order to thank him made me drop the tray.’ ‘So who was the host?’ I asked. Timmy wouldn’t tell me, but I soon found out, in a national newspaper, of all places. He was a Tory speechwriter, and he organised heterosexual orgies on the side, but has since stopped the practice.