Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

How do we stop the Lycra dads using our stable yard as a toilet?

They duck under the tape to go inside the yard where they make themselves at home, in a semi-seated position

The cyclist let go of the tape, jerking downwards, and as he did so the bottom strand shocked him in the crotch. Zap! Credit: IPGGutenbergUKLtd

The cyclist pulled into our gateway, got off his bike and grabbed hold of the electric fencing. Installing game cameras, along with signs making clear to passers-by that they are on film, has not always deterred trespassers, but it has provided us with interesting viewing.

And so it was on this occasion, as the cyclist pulled in for what cyclists pull in for. By this I don’t mean they necessarily relieve themselves swiftly against a bush. I mean sometimes they duck under the tape to go inside the field or stable yard where they make themselves at home, in a semi-seated position.

Look, it’s not nice to have to describe what they do, but then it’s not nice of them to do it. What protection do the various lockdown laws give the rural dwellers of Surrey against the Lycra dads of London and Woking? None. The builder b and I wouldn’t know not to sit at the picnic table by our stables to eat our lunch after they’ve done their business there if we didn’t have cameras.

It’s disgraceful behaviour. But on the basis that we’ve never had the slightest luck getting cyclists to obey any road or rights of way laws we are not hopeful of ever stopping them using our horses’ home as a toilet.

‘Hurry up, or he’ll have his weevil way with her.’

When you think about it, it’s obvious the government should not be allowing people to load bikes on to the backs of their cars during a pandemic to drive many miles to a place without conveniences where they will inevitably get caught short.

Every time you see a cyclist unloading a bike from their car in the countryside, ask yourself how long they can pedal before nature calls, especially when they pedal along sipping from energy drinks, which some of them fling on to the roadside, or over the hedges into gardens and fields as they go.

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