How to use a phone (and other incredibly useful tips)

I’ve been to West Sussex a number of times and on each occasion have been struck by how stupid the local people are. I don’t mean this unkindly — it’s just how it is. Everywhere you go there are small puddles of drool where the local citizens have stood, wreathed in puzzlement over the simplest tasks — such as how to use a telephone, or how to wash their hands.

So congratulations to West Sussex County Council which has just spent £100,000 filming short videos explaining to ratepayers the best way to go about these challenging activities.

The film about using a phone suggests it is best to hold the device firmly in one hand — and punch in the numbers with the other. Once you’ve done that, apparently, you can speak to the person who you have called. Unless they’re not in. Or engaged. The hand washing film posits the contentious hypothesis that it is best to wet your hands first before applying the soap. And afterwards, dry them. On a towel. Excellent.

These films are of course the initiative of a Tory council — one which has recently made huge cuts to its highway maintenance, children’s services and public protection departments. Some local people suspect they haven’t got their priorities right. But, as we have noted, they’re too thick to have their views given any credence.