Douglas Murray

If I was Asghar Bukhari, I’d hold onto both of my shoes very tightly

If I was Asghar Bukhari, I'd hold onto both of my shoes very tightly
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The Muslim Public Affairs Committee (MPAC) is a strange beast. Its membership largely consists of Asghar Bukhari and his brother. Occasionally another person appears on television claiming an affiliation to the group - an affiliation promptly proved by use of the organisation’s modus operandi, viz furious shouting backed up by ferocious stupidity.

Anyhow, it has long been plain that Asghar lives in the fever swamps. I suppose Sky just think he makes good noise. But today brings a particularly moving example of where this can lead. Thanks to the excellent Jamie Palmer (@jacobinism) who reads Asghar’s Facebook rants so the rest of us don’t have to, the world can now read a real gem. Here it is. But first a warning. This is not, it seems, a spoof. It is somebody writing under their own name.

Over to Asghar.

I have indeed — as Asghar invites us to do — 'thought about that'. And I have a nasty feeling that I have the answer. It seems likely to me that Asghar will at some point find his missing shoe. I usually find mine under the sofa. But if I were Asghar I would consider not only looking there and beneath the bed but also behind the television. It is possible, is it not, that the dapper-dresser removed one of his shoes and hurled it at the box in a rage when someone not from his immediate family was on the television? It is easy to forget such moments of inarticulate rage. Asghar clearly does. If he remembered them then he would never again accept an invitation to appear on the television.

But if it is indeed behind the television and I were Asghar I do not think I would admit to finding the shoe. In fact my best advice to Asghar for escaping the loud ridicule to which his Facebook post has already been subjected would be to claim that his Facebook account has been hacked by Mossad in an effort to reduce his reputation as a respected pundit and make him look, instead, like a right dick.

I think I may also be able to help with that 'other Muslim leader' who phoned in tears having had things moved around in their house. My question to solve the mystery is this: do they own a cat? I too sometimes come home and find things have been moved around. It is usually because the cat has knocked things over or (if the item is small) dragged it into a favourite perch. There is no need for tears over this, just better house-training, the tactical withdrawal of kibble and the application of either plasticine or blu-tack to hold down any prized objects.

Anyhow - these are my instinctive thoughts. But I suppose we must concede that it is possible that Mossad have enough time on their hands to regard Asghar as public enemy number one and the removal of a solitary shoe of his as an operational victory. In which case Asghar should watch it. As he knows, these Mossad agents are everywhere and work in tandem with all 'neocons', right-wingers, left-wingers and others. If Mossad did indeed snatch his shoe then his public exposure of them for doing so is likely to lead to a savage escalation. If I were Asghar then tonight I would hold my slippers very close. Both of them.

Written byDouglas Murray

Douglas Murray is Associate Editor of The Spectator. His most recent book The Madness of Crowds: Gender, Race and Identity is out now.

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