If you think British banks are bad, you’ve never tried China’s

It’s hard to think of anything more badly run than a Chinese bank. Somalia perhaps, or the BBC’s remuneration committee. Certainly, Beijing’s embattled lenders make ours look like paragons of financial rectitude. We may dislike RBS et al for bringing our economy to its knees, but at least we’re not saddled with a cabal of banks inextricably linked to whoever resides in Downing Street.

Let’s start with good old-fashioned service. We may complain about our banks, how they all look the same and bombard us with adverts that would patronise a two-year-old. But at least they pretend to care. China’s banks don’t. Service is dire wherever you go. Internet or mobile banking ranges from poor to non-existent. A few make an effort, notably China Merchants Bank, a mid-range lender from the south of the country. But for most big Chinese high-street names, ‘service’ means an unsmiling clerk with breath that would scrape enamel off a sink.

Next, choice. In theory, the People’s Republic has lots of it. China’s billion workers can place their money with a big player like Industrial & Commercial Bank of China (ICBC), the world’s largest bank by stockmarket valuation, or a city-based institution like Bank of Beijing. Those keen to play fast-and-loose could even park their savings with one of the country’s rural credit co-operatives.

But choice is relative. All banks are essentially the same, given that they have, in the Communist Party of China, the same owner. Wherever you go, the same omnipresent, bland banking brands stare back at you. ICBC has more than 18,000 branches peppering the country. China Construction Bank has 14,000. And as was once claimed about the KGB, it sometimes seems impossible to leave the bank. Chinese workers often have little say over who has charge of their money: that decision is made by their employer.