In deep water

What a strange organisation the BBC is! Imagine the meeting at which they discussed the cancellation of Hole in the Wall, the world’s most mindless game show.

What a strange organisation the BBC is! Imagine the meeting at which they discussed the cancellation of Hole in the Wall, the world’s most mindless game show. It didn’t have terrible ratings, but was stoned to death by jeering critics and Harry Hill’s mockery.

‘Gentlemen, I am delighted to inform you,’ says HOCMIGS, (head of commissioning, mindless game shows), ‘that we have found a replacement even more mindless, more tooth-furringly, goose-bumpingly dreadful than Hole.’

A rather odd individual at the end of the table squeaks up. ‘I hope it means dropping people into cold water. I do like seeing people dropped into cold water. Hurr, hurr.’

‘It involves,’ says HOCMIGS, ‘little else. Contestants will have to answer mind-numbingly dull questions, such as “which of these animals did not feature on Blue Peter?” and “which of these titles is not a magazine on sale in Britain?”’ (The answer turned out to be What Patio? Somebody was paid to think this up for prime-time television.)

All the contestants are strapped to something — elastic bands, a bike, a spherical cage — on top of an 80-foot platform. The one with the wrong boring answer is dropped into a pool of cold water, just like in Hole in the Wall, only from higher up. Then they show the drop several times — as if it were the goal scored in the World Cup final.

‘So, we get a couple of dozen dunkings in one hour!’ says HOCMIGS. ‘Hurr, hurr,’ says the pervert in the corner.

Something like that must have happened, or else 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show (BBC1, Saturday) would never have got past somebody’s cheese-induced nightmare.