Julie Burchill Julie Burchill

It’s time for David Lammy to join the Tories

I’ve never voted Conservative and I never will. Having been raised in a working-class home, I can’t get past the fact that had the Labour party not come into being, the Tories would have kept my people serfs for as long as inhumanly possible. But I’m also an extreme Brexiteer; far from the past three years being boring (anyone who says this reveals themselves as such a monumental dullard that we should remove their right to vote), I consider that this nation spent the four decades up to 23 June 2016 sleepwalking into the shadowlands of EU dreariness — and disaster. Only a halfwit could fail to comprehend that the whole repulsive gravy-train is set to run into the buffers very soon and that it makes sense for us to pull the communication cord and hop off ASAP.

Thus I have viewed the rise of Boris Johnson with a degree of cold-blooded delight. I don’t particularly like or trust him, but I don’t need to as I’m not a teenager pining over a poster on a wall. I don’t idealise or even humanise politicians — I see them as things, put there solely to enact the will of the people. Once Brexit’s done and dusted and the anti-Semitic scum has been routed, I can return to my party. Ever since victory morn we have been caught between the fudge and mudge of the Tories and the moan and drone of Labour. But now the fun starts — and it began with the appointment of the new cabinet.

At Guardian HQ last week, they actually seemed upset that the Johnson cabinet contains more BAME (black, Asian and minority ethnic) people than any other in history — how dare he! Bloody Tories, coming over here, taking our ethnic minorities — because Labour, as surely as any pukka sahib swanking around a colonial tea plantation, believes that the non-white vote is theirs by right.

Nowhere was this more hilariously proved that in that shockingly condescending message from the Glorious Leader two years ago which read:

‘Only Labour can be trusted to unlock the talent of black, Asian and ethnic minority people who have been held back by the Conservatives.’

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