‘Such happy news amid such uncertainty’. The Speaker began PMQs with this tribute to Carrie and Boris’s baby. But his talk of ‘happy news amid such uncertainty’ might have referred to MPs tuning in via webcam whose living areas have been denuded of clutter. Last week, viewers got an eyeful of their MPs’ soft furnishings which proved a major distraction from politics. Honourable members have now realised that their utterances are much less interesting than their wallpaper. Today most of them appeared in plain white surroundings. Cheryl Gillan, a rare exception, had set up her camera in what looked like a magical grotto decorated with turquoise box-files.
The first secretary, Dominic Raab, was quizzed by Sir Keir Starmer. The Labour leader did his best to pose as a decent, intelligent parliamentarian who sought only to illuminate a set of thorny issues for an anxious populace. ‘Gotcha’ tactics would be beneath him. Morally, this was an heartening approach. As a dramatic spectacle, it was like watching cress grow.
For a trained barrister, Starmer is curiously lacking in the killer instinct. Twice he had Raab cornered. Twice he let his quarry escape. Picking up on an inconsistent claim, he delivered this challenge.
‘He [Raab] said that deaths in care-homes were falling in line with those in hospitals. That’s not borne out by the figures.’
Raab was about to answer but Starmer defused the grenade. ‘Could he clarify that when he next gets up,’ he asked chummily. And he moved on to the commemorations planned for deceased NHS workers.
The issue of testing offered an even juicier opportunity. The government has promised to deliver 100,000 tests a day by the end of the month. Which is tomorrow. But only last Monday, a mere 43,000 tests had been completed. Way short of the objective. An easy hit for Starmer. But he downgraded the government’s pledge and declared the 100,000 figure ‘only a staging post.’
Thanks a lot, thought Raab, and proceeded to boast that Monday’s total was twice the daily number of tests completed this time last week. It’s fine for Starmer to come across all kind and cuddly but Raab is a born bruiser and deserves to be matched with rougher tactics.
In a rare flash of impatience, the Speaker tried to inject a bit of urgency into this languid debate. ‘Get some speed on,’ he said in his flintiest voice. Starmer took no notice and spent a full minute delivering an elegantly constructed question in three parts. After today’s wooden performance he’ll be known as Sir IKEA Starmer.
Raab reacts better to a sharper line of attack. Labour’s Zarah Sultana claimed that working people have suffered most during the crisis and that bankers have raked in huge profits. Her solution seemed to involve the destruction of the investment industry and the ruin of millions of pensioners whose income is derived from equity. ‘Stand up to big business,’ she urged Raab. ‘Prohibit dividend payments and share buy-backs.’
Raab dismissed this as ‘partisan baggage,’ but he couched it in a friendlier way. ‘We should take some of the partisan baggage out of this.’
Ian Blackford, of the SNP, complained that the Brexit talks had stalled. Quoting the EU’s Michel Barnier he said that Britain ‘is refusing to engage on fundamental issues.’
Raab: ‘I’m not sure I would take the word of Monsieur Barnier on the state of the negotiations quite as uncritically as he would.’
That’s more like it. The envenomed rapier, subtle, swift and deadly.
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