Sir Keir Starmer had two goals at PMQs. He wanted to convince us that life is dreadful and it’s all Rishi Sunak’s fault. And he showcased a new phrase that he’d like us to spout whenever interest rates are mentioned: ‘Tory mortgage penalty.’ He used it several times which suggests that he authored it himself. Clearly it stands zero chance of working its way into our heads. But no one at Castle Starmer had the guts to tell the good knight that he’d blundered.
Rishi didn’t hold back. Normally the PM glides like a swan through PMQs but today he snapped irritably at Sir Keir for failing to understand that inflation is global. ‘As ever he isn’t aware of the global macro-economics,’ he yelped.
Pursuing his defeatist agenda, Sir Keir tried to turn the personal woes of a Labour voter into a national emergency. Today’s victim was identified as ‘James’ who works as a policeman ‘keeping people safe’. PC James borrowed a mountain of cash in the mistaken belief that interest rates are invariable. They aren’t. Rising rates have made PC James’s home unaffordable and he must now rehouse his kids in smaller premises. The nippers are obliged to ‘share a bedroom’. Is that it? Yes it is. According to Sir Keir, a couple of kids bunking together is evidence that Britain is on life-support. In fact sharing quarters is common in prisons, boarding schools, the armed forces and nunneries. And it’s an inconvenience endured by most married couples. So Sir Keir must be nuts if thinks this tiny snag is worthy of parliament’s time.
Who is really to blame? First, PC James for not knowing how a mortgage works. Second, PC James’s bank for not telling him how a mortgage works. Thirdly, Sir Keir for presenting PC James’s ignorance of mortgages as if it were the gravest crisis since Suez. But the true culprits are Labour’s backroom staff who work for the ‘Disasters and Emergencies Committee.’ (Officially, it’s probably called something else.) The task of these researchers is to scour the country each week and find a crisis-hit voter whose sufferings can be blamed on the Tories. Today they failed spectacularly. The most heart-rending instance of human misery they could find was a cop who moved house because he didn’t realise why banks urge their customers to over-borrow.
Rishi attempted to turn PC James into a Conservative voter. Labour’s policies, he warned, would boost inflation and increase interest rates, ‘leaving him and everyone poorer.’ And he barked out a statistic that helps the Tories immensely. Repossessions are currently three times lower than they were in 2010. Yet no one seems to know this. Perhaps that’s why Rishi got so snappy.
Stephen Flynn of the SNP treated us to his usual smart alec quip. He recited three of Rishi’s recent statements and pointed out that they were inconsistent. Conclusion: Rishi is a liar. But ‘liar’ isn’t permitted so Flynn asked if the PM is ‘taking honesty lessons from Boris Johnson?’ Not bad. If that had been improvised, it would have been genius. In fact, he’s been working on it for seven days.
Flynn’s greatest gift to parliament is his striking and carefully managed appearance. His dark two-piece suits look unobtrusively expensive. And he uses the gangster’s trick of having them cut a size too small which creates the illusion of longer limbs and a chest that’s bursting out of its jacket. And he works hard on his skull which receives enthusiastic attention from the razor-blade. It must be the closest shave since Nicola Sturgeon emerged from custody without being charged. Today, under the lights of parliament, his gleaming head shone forth like the roof of a campervan that’s never been used.
Comments