‘Look at this,’ I said. ‘“Key management”. What’s that all about?’ My wife winced. ‘I suppose it’s about key management,’ she said, and immediately returned to her book.
We were halfway to Rome and I was reading the user manual for the apartment we had taken for the weekend. It ran to 11,652 words and was beginning to do my head in.
Most of it was about keys. Mrs Odile Taliani, who owns and manages the apartment and wrote the manual, has a thing about keys. She also has a thing about capital letters. For example:
‘….AND THEN TURN YOUR KEY ONCE TO DOUBLE LOCK SECURELY. OTHERS WITH KEYS THEN ONLY HAVE TO OPEN BY TURNING THEIR KEYS TWICE INSTEAD OF ONCE.’ And: ‘….it is essential always to shut shutters and windows especially those which give on to balconies/terraces, and TURN THE FRONT DOOR TOP KEY (SEE ABOVE) TWICE IN THE LOCK EVEN WHEN YOU GO OUT OF THE HOUSE EVEN FOR QUICK SHOPPING and especially when you leave, for the absolute safety of your and our things — for which we accept no responsibility for the duration of your stay — and above all for your peace of mind!’
Nor does Mrs Taliani suffer fools gladly: ‘We do NOT run a hotel with a hall porter. We run SELF-catering apartments. It is necessary to look after oneSELF and think for oneSELF.’
I was being tested, I reflected miserably as the gas-guzzling Ryanair 737 prepared to land at Ciampino. And I was going to fail. But I didn’t. I passed, thanks to Bruno, Mrs Taliani’s driver, who picked us up at the airport (E65).
Bruno taught me key management in one easy lesson. Here’s the deal: you stick the key in the lock, turn it once, and, hey presto, the door opens.
Comments
Join the debate for just $5 for 3 months
Be part of the conversation with other Spectator readers by getting your first three months for $5.
UNLOCK ACCESS Just $5 for 3 monthsAlready a subscriber? Log in