Let Gary Lineker host Eurovision

So, the foreigners still hate us then. That was the first lesson to take away from the Eurovision Song Contest as our benighted entry, ‘What The Hell Just Happened’ by Remember Monday received not a single vote from the public, after being nestled in the top half via the jury vote. Mind you, it was an object lesson into how not to write a song: a reasonably interesting chorus spavined by a dull verse and inappropriate changes in time signature, which robbed it of all momentum. A lazily written song. So maybe the public was right – although throughout the voting there was the usual evidence of national enmities and friendships.

I don’t believe anybody seriously thought the Israeli dirge was remotely listenable, for example – it came second because people who like Israel voted for it, which is at least a signal to Hamas that they do not enjoy a monopoly of support among the European public. The winner, an Austrian castrati who could sing but had not been given anything resembling a song to perform, came first. In truth, there was not a single memorable tune the entire evening – Italy, I think, came closest.

I wonder if Eurovision has passed its peak popularity, having been embraced by the gay community who now seem to be tiring of it. There was evidence in some of the songs last night – the various chunky caterwauling blonde hags, the stupid novelty song from Sweden – that the contest is settling back to what it was pre the 1990s: a demonstration that mass popular culture is truly awful, with almost no redeeming features. And once again Graham Norton failed to say anything funny and was wildly wrong with his predictions. Give the gig to Lineker.