Light touch

In Competition 2810 you were invited to write a light-hearted poem about a serious subject.

I suggested you take a look at J.B.S. Haldane’s comic poem ‘Cancer is a funny thing’ to get an idea of what I was after. Another source of inspiration might have been my predecessor Jaspistos, the poet James Michie, who treated the big subjects — life, illness, death — with an exquisitely deft, witty touch. Here is ‘Cancer, or the Biter Bit’,  written shortly before he died: ‘I used to fancy crabmeat as a treat:/ Now Crab’s the epicure, and I’m the meat.’

It was a large entry but the standard was on the patchy side. Still, some excelled. Commendations go to Katie Mallett, Jean Hayes and Christopher Pearson; and congratulations to the prizewinners, printed below, who take £30 each. The extra fiver is Alan Millard’s.

The act of prostitution is a serious offence,
As witnessed by the jury in this tale of decadence:
His Honour, feeling tetchy, saw before him, in the
dock,
A flighty, fallen woman in a flimsy, frilly frock.
‘Soliciting again?’ he barked. ‘You ladies go too
far.’
‘It wasn’t me,’ she shouted, ‘It was him what
stopped the car!’
‘Blaming others yet again? So, tell me, where’s
your proof?’
His Honour sneered from high above, all pompous
and aloof.
‘I’ll get Your Honour proof,’ she said, ‘and make
the scoundrel pay!
I’ll grab him where it really hurts before he gets
away.’
‘How often’, said His Honour, ‘have you seen
this man about?’
‘Oh, several times,’ she answered. ‘If you like I’ll
point him out.’
‘You’ll point him out?’ His Honour said. ‘And
can you tell me how?’
‘Oh yes, Your Honour,’ she replied. ‘He’s in the
courtroom now.’‘
‘No need to point,’ His Honour said, ‘you’re
innocent I see.’
And, much to everyone’s surprise, he let her off
scot-free.
Alan Millard
 
Earth has not anything to show more fain
To waive the chance of laurels, less intent
On doing whatever must be done to gain
Sweet victory in a major sport event
Than British gentlemen, when in a team
Or playing for themselves.