Jeremy Clarke Jeremy Clarke

Literary intercourse

A Christian acquaintance sends me a typed newsletter once a month. She lives ‘by faith’ (no job) and at the end of her newsletters always invites me to contribute to her ministry either with my prayers or with a cheque. This month she praised God for a serious illness, which she thinks brought her closer to Him, and for finding her a convenient parking space in the high street on a busy bank holiday. Sometimes I send money, sometimes I pray. If I were to reply with a newsletter of my own, it would go something like this:

Dear sister,
Well, it’s been a struggle, but I haven’t looked at the Internet porn site Tight Anal Sluts for over a week now, praise Him. Or, Chicks with Dicks. I’ve been spending so much time looking at porn lately it has affected my work and consequently my finances. The Buddhists from whom I’m renting the house keep ringing up from their yacht on the French canals about the unpaid rent. At present there are 17 messages on the answerphone, all from them, saying how worried they are about not hearing from me. I didn’t think Buddhists worried. I’ve apologised to them and given them false hopes so many times, however, I just can’t bring myself to speak to them at the moment.
The fungus that has spread from inside my stomach to my mouth, neck and armpits is retreating at last. Eating raw garlic and bathing the affected parts in petrol finally did the trick. Hopefully, its imperialistic adventures are over for a while. It’s ruined my suntan. I am continuing to shave my groin, chest and armpits. Originally it was a strategy in my campaign against the fungus, but a bald body feels much cleaner and sexier, so I’m keeping it up.

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