In Competition No. 2425 you were invited to do as Ovid did: give poetic advice as to how to pick up, seduce and keep a lover of either sex.
Here’s one of Ovid’s shrewd pieces of advice to girls (my translation, The Modern Library, New York, rush out and buy it):
Steer clear of the young professor
Of elegance, the too good-looking snappy dresser
Who’s always arranging his hair — he’ll tell you a stale,
Thousand-times-told tale,
But his heart’s a gipsy, it camps, it moves.
What can a woman do when the man she loves
Is smoother than she is and, for all she can tell,
Has more men than she does as well?
Not many of you successfully caught ‘the sweet witty soul of Ovid’, in the happy phrase of a contemporary of Shakespeare. The bludgeon was more in evidence than the rapier. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and Alanna Blake has the bonus fiver.
First choose your fellow: patronise the clubs,
The party circuit, matches, dating game;
But, as wise Ovid says, avoid the pubs —
A woman, drunk, is any man’s to claim.
Tempt him with glances, smile, then look away
And don’t be forward when he comes across.
A man must be allowed to make his play
And not suspect the woman is the boss.
When he invites you, shrug, then join the throng
Of dancers, concert-goers, football fans;
Or if he’s shy, just let him string along,
But take his number for your future plans.
If under 35, you’ll know the drill
To tame or bed him on the second date.
For others, get in quick and make your kill
In any way you can — you’ve left it late!
Alanna Blake
To pull a bird, you imitate a bird,
Outdo the peacock with your courtship plan.
One signal’s better than a thousand words:
A wad of fifties spread out like a fan
Will mark you as an alpha-nubile man.
As to seduction, don’t show too much thirst.
Your modern female likes a feisty quest.
Say you should take things gradually at first;
Portray yourself as innocent, repressed.
Her new-style hormones will do all the rest.
Now to protect your newly staked-out claim.
One all-out weapon shields it from attack.
It’s this, the H-bomb of the mating game:
‘I love you.’ But, once launched upon its track,
There’s little hope you’ll ever call it back.
Noel Petty
Some serious preparation first:
To choose a sheltered spot is best,
A public situation worst.
Then you should try the toughness test —
Is the substructure strong enough
And supple, springing back when pressed?
Next, organise the fleecy stuff,
Soft down to soothe the hoped-for guest.
Now you appear: puff out your chest
To serenade the passing fair;
No need to specify your quest
At once — just hold her spellbound there.
Then, very tactfully, suggest
She might step in, admire, and stay.
The lovesong plus the cosy nest
Undoubtedly will win the day.
Mary Holtby
A tip for Romeos: ladies
React well to Mercedes.
It helps, too, if you’ve got
A private plane and a yacht,
And a cool billion, and some.
Make sure you’re tall and handsome —
That’s crucial. Be outstanding at sport.
Your advice should be sought
By governments. But try to be fun.
Girls like a good time, when all’s said and done.
And — it hardly needs to be said —
You must be astounding in bed.
Can’t manage any of that? Then your Juliet’ll
Move on, and you’ll just have to settle
For the kind of woman who
Will settle for someone like you.
Michael Swan
To kindle the flames from a heart of frost
And enrapture that woman who’s meant for you,
Adopt the expression of ‘little boy lost’
With the tiniest hint of ‘little boy blue’,
And, seeing you helpless and slightly forlorn,
Her maternal instincts will be released;
But as soon as they are, and love is born,
You must give her a glimpse of your inner beast.
Do not despair if, at first, she is haughty
Or throw in the towel if she acts the prude,
Entice her along with the vaguely naughty,
Then slowly progress to the downright rude.
And when there is nothing new to discover
As passion fades and your lust dies down,
Remember each night to assure her you love her
Before you slip out to the Rose and Crown.
Alan Millard
Go to the rest of nature, man,
To learn seductive arts:
From pin-head wasp to orang-utan,
Males revel in their parts.
The peacock does it with his fan,
The walrus with his might:
They’ve had their way since time began
By being bold and bright.
The female always needs to see
Some gain from her affection,
So play to your strengths and then you’ll be
Her natural selection.
And if you’re ugly, dull and stupid,
Display your wealth instead:
Cupidity does more than Cupid
To turn a maiden’s head.
W.J. Webster
No. 2428: Alcohol-free
You are invited to supply a piece of prose (maximum 150 words) incorporating the following words, in any order, using them in a non-alcoholic sense: shrub, sauce, sidecar, port, bishop, screwdriver, bitter, spirits, rum, moonshine, punch, plonk. Entries to ‘Competition 2428’ by 26 January.
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