Steve Cotten is standing to be an MP in this week’s general election. He has also been called ‘Britain’s grumpiest pub landlord’ by the Daily Mail, the Mirror and the New York Post. In truth, Steve, 64, isn’t grumpy. Not often, anyway. He’s eccentric, certainly, but kind, generous and good humoured, and dedicated to his rural community and his pub’s clientele – many of whom are almost as mad as he is.
He’s also met Rishi Sunak. ‘His handlers got upset that I kept calling him Ricky’
I discovered Exmoor’s Poltimore Arms five years ago, and have now made it my local despite living four-and-a-half hours away in London. The ‘Polti’, as regulars call it, has no address, only GPS coordinates. It is located between North Molton and Simonsbath in a tiny hamlet called Yarde Down. Population: two – Steve, and his black and white moggy, Osama bin Yarde Down. Steve used to have another cat, Fred Hitler, but it was run over by an electric car. His campaign slogan is ‘Vote for me, you lazy bastards.’ In his literature, he references Boaty McBoatface, citing that as typical of the British desire to poke fun at a ‘stuck up system.’
By voting Stevie McSteveface, you will not only get an MP who listens to you, you will be protesting and laughing at the political system that insults us time after time with its endless failures, bad behaviour and broken promises… Let’s face it, they deserve to get someone like me in Westminster.
The parliamentary hopeful is running as an independent, naturally, for a man who runs a free house. Think Withnail & I. Inside, there’s only candlelight and a fireplace. The essentials are run off solar panels. So that’s the green vote sorted. There’s some taxidermy, a couple of Victorian pianolas, and a ‘dead wall’ – photos of past punters. Once a week, if she’s free, a lady sends a message to the Polti’s WhatsApp group and comes over to cook Thai food. Apart from that, there’s no grub, and no beds. Except Steve has always been happy for my friends and me to crash overnight on the downstairs couches. Other evenings, I’ve gone away only to return next morning to find the previous night’s boozers still passed out in their armchairs. Mr Hitler would leave them a present of some dead mice. Pretty much every night here is a lock-in. Exmoor Gold is the main ale on tap, and Steve very rarely asks for payment. At the end of the night, or the next day, you just give him enough notes to cover what you think you’ve had. Don’t whatever you do ask him if he takes cards.
Steve, who describes himself as a ‘loose cannon’, is registered blind, but that doesn’t stop him going about his business on a rented horse. He likes to dress as Carver Doone, and has even taken up polo, corralling 30 or 40 locals together; less Sotogrande, more Last of the Summer Wine. I’ve seen a woman arrive inside the pub on horseback. She was already drunk.
The election in North Devon could prove tight. The Conservative incumbent is Selaine Saxby, while the Liberal Democrats were second in 2019. That was the first time Steve threw his three-pointed hat in the ring. ‘I had no idea what I was doing,’ he tells me. ‘I messed up everything. I missed the first two hustings and all my leaflets went to the wrong constituency.’ Nevertheless, he gained 580 box crosses, earning him 1 per cent of the vote. ‘Strangely enough, whenever I do these political things, I don’t drink. It would be incredibly hilarious if I did, but it won’t get me elected. Still, I’ve only got to be sensible for a short while.’ Steve was born in Birmingham but moved down to North Devon with his parents in the 1960s. How does he size up the competition this time around?
Selaine Saxby has had her picture taken with everybody in every pub in the constituency except mine. She doesn’t like me very much, I don’t think. Posing for pictures is all she does, nothing else. Even though she’s standing as a Tory, she’s all of a sudden trying to distance herself from her party. She’s trying to be the people’s person, which is what she should have been in the first place. I really think it could be a six-way split, apart from the Liberal (Ian Roome) because nobody knows who they are. Reform will be in there (Nigel James). Labour (Nicky Edwards) has never, ever done anything for North Devon. The other candidate, the Green man (Cas Lay), he’s really nice. Unfortunately, he’s up against me. I have the greenest pub in England. I’m minus, minus carbon-neutral. We just planted 18 acres of trees. Everything is powered by the sun. I don’t have a car, I have a horse. Even my rosette in the last election was made out of a recycled Sainsbury’s bag.
He believes constituencies are not being served by national political parties. ‘I’m not left, I’m not right, I’m not anything. I’m standing to represent the people of North Devon, not a party. All those candidates representing the parties are controlled by the parties. They’re told what to say, what not to say, they’re even told how to dress. All I’ve got to say is what people say in this pub, which is generally not allowed in the outside world.’
The Poltimore Arms isn’t far from where Boris Johnson grew up, and where father Stanley and sister Rachel live. Both are big fans of the Poltimore Arms. ‘I like them all,’ says Steve. ‘I sometimes ring Rachel Johnson up on LBC. We play a game, and the game is how long I can last before she says “oh dear, we’ve lost the line.”’
Has he asked Boris for campaign advice? ‘How could I possibly take any advice off Boris?’ he laughs. ‘I mean, we’ve spoken several times but I was the one dishing out the advice. That last lockdown didn’t happen because I told him not to. Rachel was in the pub and handed me her phone and said “it’s my brother. Tell him he has to run his fucking country.” So, I told him about the Boxing Day hunt down here and how it’s one of our biggest days of the year and that another lockdown wouldn’t achieve anything. He agreed. The next day he announced we wouldn’t be shutting down.’
He’s also met Rishi Sunak. ‘His handlers got upset that I kept calling him “Ricky”. I’ve got a nice picture of me rolling a fag with him in the background.’ What are the biggest issues affecting the constituents of North Devon? ‘Potholes. They just spent a fortune on a new link road. Fix the roads you’ve already got. Make what you’ve already got even better – that’s the best way.’ And the farming community? ‘Farmer Bill at the top of the hill is growing 200 acres of weeds, milky dashels and docks because he’s being paid by the government, which is ludicrous. If you’re going to pay to grow something, make sure we can eat it. Grow weeds where you can’t grow anything else.’
Being a publican has never been harder than it is now, with energy rates and property costs as they are. How would Steve fix this nationwide issue? ‘The reason pubs are shutting is they’re worth so much more as a house. What the government should do is prevent planning permission for pubs to become houses. That way they will find their own price, one that’ll allow a business to survive. I’ve never made a penny, but that’s not what it’s about. As long as I can break even, I feel I’m living the best life ever. It’s all about people – I love meeting them and helping them.’
Public houses are vital community hubs and the Polti is a prime example. ‘Without pubs, society would be a million times worse. People come in here to talk about their problems, and if they leave in a better frame of mind then I’ve had a massively successful day. It’s about making limited resources go further. That’s the sort of person you want standing as your MP.’
Would he serve Nigel Farage a pint? ‘I already have. He came down last winter for a shoot. They all do. I’d serve anyone a pint so long as they say please and thank you. Prince Harry has been here. I took the piss out of him.’
Steve promises to wear his tail coat and riding boots on election night (‘I mean, I do look magnificent’), and is already working on his acceptance speech. ‘I won’t thank anybody – I don’t like anybody – except I will thank the counting hall tea ladies. They’re there at 4 a.m. making tea and sandwiches and getting paid less than everybody else. That’s what’s wrong with the country. When you stop looking after the tea ladies, everything will collapse.’ Regardless of the result on 4 July, it’ll be all back to the Polti after. ‘Yeah, definitely. I’m the only pub open at 4 a.m.’
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