Lucy Vickery


In Competition No. 3116 you were invited to submit an extract from a government memo whose language would meet with the approval of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The Leader of the House recently sent his departmental staff a list of rules regarding grammar and vocabulary. The words ‘ongoing’ and ‘hopefully’ are out; imperial measurements are in. All non-titled males are henceforth to be referred to as ‘esquire’.

Although Mr Rees-Mogg takes a dim view of words such as ‘very’, ‘got’ and ‘lot’, mischief-makers at the Guardian have pointed out that, according to Hansard, the honourable member himself has used one or other of the proscribed words or phrases on more than 700 occasions.

Adrian Fry, clearly no fan of the Moggster, imagined a memo to written to him by C.S. Lewis’s fictional demon Screwtape. John O’Byrne wasn’t the only one to reference  the recent kerfuffle about J.R.M’s relaxed posture during a late-night debate on Brexit: ‘The purpose, ab initio, of this Memorandum of Understanding (‘MoU’) is to set out, mutatis mutandis, the arrangements for the improvement of posture and sitting position in the Chamber…’

The best, in a smallish entry, are printed below and earn their authors £30 each:

We must follow our leader to the last furlong for he is every inch a king, miles better than the rotten carcase that is Corbyn. Though our opponents heap tons of rubbish in the path of our executing what the people want, it makes not an ounce of sense to surrender to them. Our yardstick must be: ‘What would Winston do?’ even if the great man’s grandson has feet of clay. In the end we shall have a hundredweight of happiness when we are released from the chains of Europe.

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