My Gatwick hell

Alex Murray was detained for two hours by Special Branch at Gatwick for using the word ‘bomb’ at security — and finds that in this age of terrorism airport staff just can’t take a joke

I live in France, but because I have family in England and Belgium, I travel frequently. And so, on the occasions when I have to fly rather than take the train, I do everything to get through the hell of British airport security with the minimum of fuss. I never wear a belt. I usually check bags and often board empty-handed.  

Indeed, my main concern when travelling is usually my wife. She’s a Belgian citizen who also travels frequently. She claims that airport security is worse in Britain than anywhere else in the world and she sees it as her duty to point this out. Given this, I have asked her, when travelling with me, to keep her thoughts to herself.  

So I was surprised, a few months ago, to see the light flash on as I walked through the metal detector at Gatwick. A man waved a cattle-prod detector over me to no avail and then ordered me to remove my shoes. No please or thank-you. The shoes were put in the X-ray machine. They came out the other side. That’s when I made the mistake.  
‘Are you now sure that they don’t contain a bomb?’ I asked. Now I know what you’re thinking. Silly ass. Deserves all he gets. Well, perhaps. But, read on, for this story is more about the exercise of power than the banning of words.  

Back to Gatwick, where pandemonium had broken out. The woman who had passed me my shoes grabbed them back and shouted for a Mr Happe.