My recipe for the new Milk Tray Man

Cadbury’s is searching for a new ‘man in black’ to spearhead its advertising campaign for the godawful Milk Tray chocolates range. However, a spokesman for the company has said that the macho-man stuff is old hat. ‘It will be as much about traits such as thoughtfulness. Leaping off a bridge on to a moving train is not as relevant as it was perhaps in the 1960s, there has to be a little more to gift giving,’ the corporate monkey revealed.

Thoughtfulness – yes, indeed. I suggest they get the BBC’s Fergal Keane to hold a box of Milk Tray in one hand while stroking the head of a Syrian refugee with the other – all the while looking on with quiet admiration as a woman breastfeeds her baby in a branch of Starbucks. And the voiceover? I think we can do without a bloke saying ‘Just because the lady loves Milk Tray’. Better would be a fairly cross woman saying: ‘Don’t patronise me with your cheap confectionery, you sexist piece of shit.’