New Year resolutions

Tamzin Lightwater’s New Year resolutions

Seal the Deal

Goodness knows why, but the polls are still suggesting that a few strange voters are not yet 101 per cent sure they want Dave for PM. This sounds wacky, but we have to take it seriously and do everything we can to address that last tiny bit of doubt. As such we will be monitoring Dave’s parting 24/7 to make sure it doesn’t creep up into a quiff.

Be Less Posh

I’ve just spent five hours going through shadow Cabinet biographies on Wiki erasing public school references. Painstaking work but the sort of dedication that is going to be needed if we are to gain the British people’s trust. Next task: Issuing new Speech and Language Guidelines to MPs — always flatten vowels where possible; refer to ‘dinner’ or ‘tea’, never ‘supper’. When campaigning in marginals try to slip in references to something called a ‘settee’. Don’t worry about what it means, your constituents will understand. And so on.

Change Name Change

Tammy Waters won’t do. I’ve got to come up with something classless and yet classy. Tamzina Waits, for eg.

Learn an instrument

I’m thinking ukulele or banjo.

Get a pet

Obviously a whippet in a little coat would be ideal.

Rethink U-turns

We ended the year with a U-turn on a U-turn on prisons policy, for heaven’s sake! This cannot be allowed to continue. We must revamp our approach to jettisoning policy with a view to making the transitions between adoption and abandonment much smoother.

Get to grips with Climate Change Change

Are we heading for extinction or aren’t we? Should Dave be carbon offsetting quite so much for using the helicopter for teeny little trips to Oxford which can’t be doing that much harm to polar bears surely? I just wish the scientists would hurry up and make up their minds.