Nobody wanted Liz Truss

One of the most important ingredients in the oil used to anoint King Charles during his coronation is becoming a bit of an issue – and it may give us a signal as to what sort of monarchy lies in wait for us. Aside from cinnamon and ambergris, the oil also includes musk from the Ethiopian civet cat, obtained through what protestors suggest is a cruel process. The oversized weasel is constrained in a tight cage made of twigs and its bum is forced out of a hole at the back of a cage, whereupon skilled Ethiopian musk gatherers squeeze the animal’s perineal glands, reaping a rich harvest of noisome oil and making the civet cat wish that it had been born in, say, Denmark.

The question is: will our new King, for the sake of tradition and continuity, accede to this procedure or, as a concerned and modern monarch, will he do something different? Perhaps he will talk to the civet cat and persuade it to donate some of its valuable musk in a democratic and consensual manner. Or maybe he will choose to use a substitute for the oil – possibly utilising the cream sauce from a Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference Italian–style ham and mushroom tagliatelle. Whatever, the oil will be poured upon Chas from the beak of an extremely badly rendered golden eagle, a vessel still referred to as an ampulla. Personally I think they should train a real golden eagle for this part of the ceremony, as the one they have got looks stupid and nothing like an eagle at all. It more closely resembles a rooster which has just escaped from a fight with a pit-bull terrier. A proper golden eagle would add a certain drama to the proceedings. Anyway, these are just some of the loose ends that must be tied up before the ceremony next May.