Sunday
I can exclusively reveal that Dave will open conference by appearing on stage with the man from the oven chips empire. Anti-Bush stickers available in heavily disguised packs in foyer for a limited period only. To be worn spontaneously on lapels when Dave and Mr McCain (sounds like western!) ascend the platform at 16.45.
On the fringe, DD presents: ‘Are we having an identity crisis?’ (he means Britain, by the way) and Michael Ancram asks: ‘Why are we here?’ Oh no, sorry, that should be ‘Why are we there?’ — it’s about Afghanistan. Phew! We don’t want him getting his guitar out and going all hippy on us this year, thank you.
Monday
9.00 The Hot Topic Debate, organised by yours truly! Should we ban all advertising to children? Could I just give you a hint here? It’s the red button marked ‘no’ on your keypads. Otherwise I’m in big trouble. I know Mr Letwin says we want to ‘stop sexuality being forced down people’s throats’ (yes, he did actually say that) but things are a bit more complicated than just doing something about it.
9.40 Make sure you vacate the hall before massive snore-athon on public services with Mr Willetts and Mr Lansley. Ladies, if I may make a suggestion, I happen to know Russell & Bromley are holding a Theresa May ‘nasty but nice’ memorial sale across the road — remember, it was in Bournemouth four years ago today she wore ‘those shoes’!
But do get back in good time for The Crime Debate at 11.30 with DD. There won’t be an empty seat in the house as we gather to see whether it’s Train Crash or Triumph. Poppy tells me his theme is an attack on Labour’s ‘short-term tinkering, with policies cobbled together at last minute’.
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