Pity I’m a Celebrity’s token old guys

I had thought that my days of being approached by reality show producers hoping to put together a cast of D-list celebrities were behind me. Apparently not. A couple of weeks ago, I was contacted by the makers of The Jump, a Channel 4 programme in which assorted ‘personalities’ try their hands at various Alpine sports, including downhill slalom, bobsleigh racing and ski-jumping. I’d never heard of it, but it sounded like fun so I told my agent to set up a meeting.

I thought the reason I must be back on the reality show radar was because I’ve published a book this year. Then, when I watched the first episode of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here, I realised what was going on. I’ve reached the age where I’m eligible for the role of ‘token old guy’, a reality show staple. Last year, that part on I’m A Celeb was played by fashion designer David Emanuel and this year BBC broadcaster Michael Buerk has drawn the short straw.

It’s not an easy role to play. You’re allowed to make the occasional curmudgeonly remark, but in general it’s less ‘grumpy old man’ than ‘wise old bird’. When patronised by some half-witted ex-boy-band member, you’re expected to laugh self–deprecatingly, only to take them under your wing when they burst into tears a few minutes later because they miss their mum. Flirting is OK, but only with the ‘glamorous granny’, another fixture. If you so much as glance at the ex-glamour model — which is difficult to avoid, because she’s usually wandering around in a ‘jungle bikini’ made of twigs and leaves — you’re immediately branded a ‘dirty old man’. Any expression of sexual desire at all has to be of the music hall, ’Allo ’Allo! variety.