How much screening does a person have to go through in this country to obtain a rabbit? Being recently lagomorphically bereaved — and newly single — I am in desperate need of new pets. I always adopt a stray after a break-up. It’s how I came by the legendary giant black rabbit BB, now passed on, God rest his soul. He was the creature I brought home to make myself feel like living again after the wedding I called off. No wonder he grew to the size of a dog. It was a big job.
Oh, and by the way, to anyone thinking of consoling me, please do not even think of telling me in a squeaky voice that my beloved BB has gone to ‘bunny heaven’. Just because I am 38 and let rabbits run loose in my house does not mean I am retarded. (Am I even allowed to say that word any more?) I may be a fool for a fluffy ball of fur but I am perfectly sentient. I know that when rabbits die they go where all the other pets go. To proper heaven. To be with Jesus and grandma and Elvis.
Anyway, I have just tried to register on a rabbit rehome charity website and have filled in a form which I am sure is longer than the form I would have to fill in to adopt a child. ‘Have you kept rabbits before?’ Hard to know where to start with this one. I would have loved to have given my long and colourful rabbit-whispering history. But as there was only a yes/no box for an answer I ticked yes and moved on.
‘Do you have rabbits now?’ Yes, I explained. A recently bereaved male rabbit called TT. I know you’re not meant to put two boys together but my friend found him in a box by the side of the road and he really took to BB, in fact, a bit too well, if you know what I mean. But I’m a modern mother and whatever my pets turn out to be is fine by me.
‘What sex of rabbit do you prefer?’ As I say, either will do, although I have a feeling TT might actually like to try a girlfriend. Not that I’m trying to pressure him. I just think he wouldn’t mind finding out. On the other hand, maybe that would confuse him. He’s been through a lot lately and he is used to being with a man.
‘How many rabbits would you like?’ I think just the one. I’ve nothing against three rabbits in principle, I just think it would take way too much ethical deliberation to decide whether to go for a girl, girl, boy combination or a boy, boy, girl combo.
‘Where will the rabbit be living?’ In the house.
‘What sort of cage will you be providing?’ As I said, the house.
‘How big is it?’ Two bedrooms, living room, large kitchen/breakfast room.
‘What bedding will you be providing?’ They tend to fall asleep in front of the TV most nights, but they can sleep on the bed if they prefer.
‘What chew toys will you be providing?’ I’ve got a big Fortnum’s hamper and a cane sofa. BB ate most of the sofa but there’s still a bit left which the new one’s welcome to. Otherwise, carpets, curtains, shoes, clothes, phone chargers, computer equipment, etc.
‘What sort of litter tray will you be providing?’ They get microchipped and I train them to use an electronic dog flap into the garden.
‘How old are the children who will be looking after the rabbits?’ Thirty-eight.
Then there was a lot of jargon about facilitating a home visit to be properly vetted by one of their qualified rabbit-rehoming experts.
I submitted the form but heard nothing back. So I tried another pet-rescue centre in Surrey. They told me that of the 25 rabbits featured on their website, most were reserved and of those ‘available’ only one sounded ‘suitable for my needs’ and she had a waiting list of people interested.
I felt like saying: are you insane? The world’s overrun with rabbits. There is no rabbit-shortage crisis. Whoever heard of reserved rabbits or waiting list for rabbits suitable for individual needs? How come whenever I’m sitting at home minding my own business the phone never stops ringing with people begging me to take in stray rabbits but the minute I decide I want to offer a little mite a home they’re all playing hard to get?
Thankfully, I’ve now found a rescue centre where they’re not demanding a degree in rabbit husbandry and are offering me and TT an ‘appointment’ next week, which sounds exciting. If this doesn’t work, I’m going to have to apply for a baby.
Melissa Kite is deputy political editor of the Sunday Telegraph.
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