The phantom car accident injury claim is progressing. Aviva has just rung me with big news. About time. It is now eight months since I sparked the insurance claim from hell by pranging into the back of the car in front whilst in a traffic queue moving at 3mph.
Despite the fact that neither car has so much as a scratch on a bumper, my no-claims bonus has been suspended since then, my premium has more than trebled and I’ve had to ditch the new Volvo and buy a car with an engine the size of a hairdryer. I’ve given a three-hour statement to investigators; I’ve been the subject of a police inquiry because I was accused of leaving the scene of the accident. In fact, I not only exchanged details on the roadside but then insisted on visiting the nearest police station — kind of the opposite of fleeing the scene of an accident, but there we are. A mix-up ensued involving a piece of official paperwork that was not properly filled out and, hey presto, I was being pursued by the Metropolitan Police’s road traffic unit for violating a subsection.
Mass murderers get less hassle. Anyway, eight months on, Aviva has finally contacted me to say that the ‘other party’ have managed to submit their medical reports.
He has a pre-existing back injury — of course he has — which I have allegedly made worse. I seem to remember her leaping out of the car and screaming, ‘’Ees got screws in ’is spine ’ee ’as!’ then turning to him and saying, ‘Does yer back ’urt, Jim? Is it agony, eh? Eh?’ And when the poor bloke shrugged and said, ‘Nah, I’m alright,’ she pushed him out of the way and screeched, ‘Sha’up you! Yeah, see, ’ees in agony ’ee is.
Comments
Join the debate for just $5 for 3 months
Be part of the conversation with other Spectator readers by getting your first three months for $5.
UNLOCK ACCESS Just $5 for 3 monthsAlready a subscriber? Log in