Someone calling herself the Aviva Customer Experience Manager has been in touch.
I’m not entirely sure what sort of experience she was intending to give me but she ended up giving me a thoroughly horrible one.
I wonder if Aviva employed the Customer Experience Manager on the basis of her ability to give people horrible experiences or if the Customer Experience Manager has gone rogue.
In either case, she sent me a letter which she said was a full response to my complaint about the slow progress of my phantom car crash battle with the Slobs.
I have been puzzled, as you know, as to why we do not seem to be easily defeating their claim for back injuries when I have mobile phone pictures of their unblemished car.
The Customer Experience Manager is, and I quote, ‘very sorry to hear that you are unhappy that an apparently low speed impact last November has led to a claim on your policy and that this is having an effect on your renewal premium’.
I don’t like the tone of ‘apparently low speed’. It sounds a tad sarcastic to me.
She goes on: ‘I can assure you that we are investigating the claim thoroughly. We are being proactive and we are progressing the claim as quickly as the circumstances allow us to.’
What circumstances are these, pray? Is it the photos of the undamaged vehicle or the police witness who says there was no accident that is making things so difficult? Also, the word ‘proactive’ fills me with dread, as does ‘progressing’. Proactive is no way to describe a yogurt, never mind a legal battle. And you can be sure that when someone tells you they are ‘progressing’ something it means they are trying very hard to make it go backwards or stand still.
‘Unfortunately, as you have admitted colliding with the rear of the third party vehicle the only option open to us is to disprove the alleged injuries sustained by the third party. To do this we have to obtain evidence to suggest that the impact was negligible.’
Yes, it must be hard to obtain evidence proving that the impact was negligible when you have been handed photographs showing no marks on the cars involved and phone numbers for independent witnesses who will swear there was no crash.
‘We also require a copy of the police report, which does take time to obtain.’ I’ll say it does. As I have repeatedly tried to tell Aviva, there is no police report, owing to the fact that, as there was no accident, the police found it a bit difficult to produce a report on it.
‘The third party solicitors are aware that we are suspicious of the claim for injuries sustained in the accident. They are in the process of obtaining medical evidence and until this has been received we cannot argue that no injuries have occurred.’
Yes, well, if we wait any longer for this mysterious medical report, the chances are the Slobs will be suffering from some degenerative condition or other, possibly old age or death.
I get the feeling I could be held accountable for everything that goes bodily wrong with the Slobs from November 2011 onwards until their last breath. If they are struck down by a stray Taleban bullet during a visit to the Hindu Kush, I fully expect their resulting injuries will be attributed to the impact of my Peugeot hitting them at 3mph on Streatham High Road.
‘As there is an open claim on your policy it has meant that your no claims discount (NCD) has stepped back by two years and you have lost some of the discount that you benefited from last year.’
Some of the discount? My premium has gone from £374 to £1,136. How is that ‘some’ of the discount?
‘Our pricing department has checked your premium and the calculation is accurate.’ Oh, that’s all right then. ‘I have also contacted our policy renewal team to see if you qualified for any incentives this year. They were able to reduce the premium slightly to £1,124.64; you will receive revised renewal documents shortly to confirm this.’
Wow! I don’t know how to thank you! You’ve saved my bacon with this generous 1 per cent discount! Thank heavens for the little bit of magic that emanates from the special talents of the Customer Experience Manager.
I should have known, of course. The more pompous the job title the less it refers to anything tangible that a person can actually do.
I saw a van the other day bearing the legend Chimney Technician. He probably can’t get the soot out of your flue whilst singing a heart-warming cockney tune, but he will refer you to a Customer Experience Manager who will explain why this is your fault.
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