Real life | 5 January 2017

The most annoying thing about starting a new year is how long it takes for everyone to crank themselves back into action.

I knew I wasn’t getting the real picture when I rang the taxman to say I would like to pay in instalments, and the chap on the other end of the line yawned and said: ‘Well, if you want to.’

‘I’m not sure I want to,’ I said. ‘But I’m fairly sure I will have to. I mean, if I can’t pay it all in one lump sum before the deadline, I had better set up some kind of direct debit quickly, hadn’t I?’

He sighed heavily. ‘Mmm. You could do.’

There was a long silence so I said: ‘Shall we do that now?’

‘To be honest,’ he said, ‘I should just give it a while and see how you go.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well, see how you go.’

How I go? How I go? Yes, I might go. But in all probability, I won’t go, will I? To Mexico, I mean.

I said: ‘Look, I’m really sorry about this, but I really want to sort this out. Can I set up a direct debit today and pay it in two instalments?’

‘You know, if it’s just a case of a few weeks I’d leave it and wait till you get a letter from us.’

‘I’d really rather not…’

But he appeared insensible. ‘Yes, give it a few weeks…’

After wrestling with him for a few more minutes I caved in and said: ‘It’s terribly nice of you. Thanks.’ And put the phone down. But after explaining the conversation to the builder boyfriend, and hearing it all again, it really didn’t seem feasible that Her Majesty’s Revenue had just told me to pay my taxes if I liked and if not, well, no harm done.