Real life | 9 April 2011

Nothing makes me want to move to Cobham more than a letter from Lambeth Council that begins like this: ‘Dear householder: We have made changes to our recycling and refuse services. These changes are the result of a waste strategy that we have been developing over the last two years with your help.’

I hadn’t realised that I had been helping Lambeth Council with anything, least of all a waste strategy. In fact, I would go so far as to say I had been under the impression that I had been very deliberately trying not to help Lambeth Council with anything, especially its waste strategy. But apparently this is not the case.

‘From 4 April 2011 every Lambeth resident must recycle their rubbish. Recycling is compulsory and we are monitoring households to make sure they are recycling their waste. If you do not recycle, you will receive a series of warnings. If you ignore the warnings and continue to not recycle, you could face a fine of up to £1,000.’

A leaflet then arrived explaining in greater detail how I would be expected to fulfil the new recycling edicts. The most immediately alarming thing was a complex set of rules about the placement of my wheelie bin.

‘Put your bin out on the street by 6 a.m. on your collection day. Do not put your bin out before 8 p.m. the night before. Bring your bin in on the same day, or at the latest by 8 a.m. the day after collection.’ I have thought about this long and hard, and have brought a pen and paper to bear on it, but even after a frenzied session of quadratic equations, I cannot work out at what time exactly I am meant to move my bin in and out.