It’s the little slights that really hurt. The ones where they just don’t seem to have thought about it. Certainly, we’re all thrilled that the great President Obama has deigned to make a visit to this little island vassal state. But why did he have to bring his own car?
We have cars. Loads of them. And the thing is, Barack, ours even drive on the correct side of the road. Granted, they aren’t all so proficient at, say, withstanding a direct hit from an RPG (rocket-propelled grenade) as your multi-ton behemoth (dubbed ‘The Beast’), but you’d be amazed at the number of RPGs we don’t have floating around in the UK. Or assault weapons of any sort, really. It’s probably something to do with the way that we can’t buy them at our local 7-Eleven of a morning, when we pop out to get some milk.
Even so, some of our cars probably could have managed it. You see, we actually have a few quite important people in this country, too. No, don’t laugh. We really do. There’s that lady, what’s she called? Ah yes, the Queen. We managed to stop her from being blown up, like anything. Really. On a daily basis. And that other guy. Chubby, squinty eyes, Scottish. Name escapes me. But I think you met him. Yeah, that’s right. You gave him a DVD boxed set. Which didn’t work. Because the DVD players are different over here. Just like the cars. Has anybody ever told you that? No, probably not. You probably just ship your own DVD players over, too.
It’s not as though you were even paying for the damn car properly, either. At least, I assume you weren’t. I’m having some tense trouble with this column, because I’m writing this before you get here, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that the US embassy hasn’t reversed its policy of totally not paying the congestion charge at all, for no reason whatsoever.*
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