Should people be forced to be gay?

At last I have found a summer festival I can attend in good faith without the possibility of Jeremy Corbyn turning up. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that there seemed to be no festive gatherings planned which Corbyn wouldn’t attend, with his retinue of Trot imbeciles. In response, the philosopher Roger Scruton very kindly invited me to join him at a shindig hosted by the psychopathic tweed-jacketed fox-stranglers of the Countryside Alliance.

It was a generous offer and I hope Roger will take it in good part if I say I would rather perform a colonoscopy on Diane Abbott than mix with that lot. Instead, I have found a Corbyn-free venue of bacchanalia which both Roger and I can attend and enjoy: Woman Fest, which takes place near Frome in mid-August. Open only to women and people who identify as women, which Rog and I would have to do for the day. Well worth it. The organisers exhort revellers to: ‘Share YOUR knowledge, teach a class, bring your art, sing your music, SHINE! Even if it’s terrifying, even if it’s uncomfortable, we invite you to be the best you, the empowered you, the vulnerable and free and wild and mysterious and brilliant and beautiful and creative and wise and bold and infinite and sexy and powerful and inspiring… you.’

That sounds to me exactly the kind of thing Roger would love, and I imagine he would also appreciate nosing around the ‘Sacred Womb Tent’. Better still will be the area set aside for vaginal steaming. Obviously, we would not be beneficiaries of this exciting treatment. But I am hopeful that both of us might be allowed to operate the steaming apparatus for a while, which I think would prove instructive and uplifting and a much more fitting pastime for a brilliant philosopher than killing animals for fun, or simpering around the thugs who do.