For Competition 3414 you were invited to provide an extract from a well-known literary work rewritten to include appropriate product placements.
Honourable mentions, in a top-notch entry, go to Max Ross, Ralph Goldswain, Hamish Wilson, John O’Byrne and Paula Cameron – and to Matt Quinn and Nick Syrett for a pair of excellent twists on Betjeman. The winners, printed below, are rewarded with £25 John Lewis vouchers.
The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In an opulent Ovington boat,
They took some money and Rouse Runny Honey
Wrapped up in a Burberry coat.
The Owl looked up to the stars above
And sang to a Gibson guitar,
‘O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love,
You’re as sweet as a Fry’s chocolate bar.’
Pussy said to the Owl, ‘You elegant fowl!’
How CandyCrave sweetly you sing.
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
I’ve yearned for a Samuel’s gold ring!’
So they opted to take a Cook’s City Break
At the Holiday Inn in Dundee,
Where, dining on cake and Cadbury’s Flake,
They were happy as happy can be.
Alan Millard/Edward Lear
It is an Ancient Mariner
returning from the sea
wearing a Musto Offshore coat
and shoes from Dubarry.
The bridegroom’s doors are open wide;
I’m wearing Hugo Boss.
Why should I listen to his yarn
about some albatross?
Their wedding will be starting soon,
The Veuve Cliquot is chill.
This mariner begins his tale
so I must listen, still.
The wedding March sounds from the church.
The Bentley’s brought the bride,
wearing a dress from Vera Wang.
‘There was a ship …’ he cried.
D.A. Prince/Samuel Taylor Coleridge
‘What do you make of that, Watson?’ asked Holmes, handing me a meagre and dirty pillow.
I put down my ever-reliable Webley Model 83 revolver and sniffed. ‘Rowland’s Macassar Oil,’ I replied. ‘A gentleman of the utmost good taste has rested his head on this.’
‘Not the usual clientele of the Fighting Cocks. Lord Saltire has been here. I wish I had your discriminating nose!’
‘That rough pipe mixture of yours is to blame. If you would try Ogden’s “Wayfarer” Flake, you would find that it does not occlude the senses. But we must hurry. I will summon a dog-cart.’
‘There is no need, Watson. Our Starley Mark IV Safety Bicycles will bear us more swiftly than any dog-cart.’
‘And the Dunlop tyres are a sovereign proof against punctures.’
I donned my Kumfi-Klips, guaranteed to protect the most luxuriant turn-ups from harm, and we resumed the chase.
Frank Upton/Arthur Conan Doyle
Glory be to Bond for high-end branded things
And the cachet of his name which gives their price tags wings;
All things exciting as his Aston Martin’s throb,
Exclusive as his suits from Savile Row and shoes by Lobb;
As coveted as Bollinger and Bentley and Missoni,
His Burberry, his Mont Blanc pen, Omega and Peroni.
All products unaffordable to normal mortal men;
But hard-core consumer porn for those who have a yen
For Macallan, Lamborghini. Pol Roger and Perrier,
And flashing Amex credit cards at Harrods or at Cartier.
For objects of unquenchable desire both large and small.
Praises be to Hollywood who product-placed them all.
Martin Parker/Gerard Manley Hopkins
A Heaven on Earth, a blissful paradise,
God-wrought, the garden was. In pleasant soil
Grew trees with every fruit and every plant.
By Satan tempted, our first parents then
Through Eden took their solitary way
To B&Q, for wood to build a hive
For every red and buff-tailed bumblebee
To pollinate their God-ordainèd patch;
Wilko, for Weedol fastest action spray,
Then Notcutts Garden Centre, where
A Summer Half-Price Sale had come to pass –
And thence they purchased every flowering plant
From every blessèd page of Gardeners’ World:
French lavender and foxglove, nectar-filled
And David Austin roses. Sing, sweet Muse
Of Man’s first list of bee dinners – and the fruit.
David Silverman/John Milton
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a Hublot Classic Titanium Watch (blue sheen and inertia in contact with the wrist, satin-finished); Berluti Rapiécé-Reprisé oxfords with three eyelets and a mix of calf and alligator leather; a Superfino Fedora Panama hat from Hilditch & Key; a Caple Classic Wine Cabinet (Wi6135BS) housing up to 46 bottles of Bordeaux; Havana-brown Chopard sunglasses with buffalo horn structure; a Holland and Sherry Champagne suit in refined wool; a woven leather Bottega Veneta Intreccio key ring; a snakewood cane with Fritz handle and brass collar; a case of Tom Ford Oud Wood Eau de Parfum; an Evermade Titanium Wallet (Hive edition); a Goldvish Le Million phone; a Bennet Winch Canvas Suit Carrier holdall; a Rimowa Classic carry-on aluminium cabin case; a Hisense L9Q Projector (5000 lumen); a wife.
Bill Greenwell/Jane Austen
No. 3417: Forget me not
You are invited to submit an elegy on a piece of obsolete technology (16 lines maximum). Please email entries to competition@spectator.co.uk by midday on 10 September.
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