Spectator Competition: Beautiful word

Comp. 3396 invited you to write a poem that endeavoured to romanticise tariffs. There was a fine haul, though a few had to be disallowed for straying from the brief. Praise to George Simmers, Frank McDonald, Janine Beacham, Sylvia Fairley, Tom Adam, Sue Pickard and Elizabeth Kay, among others, and a special mention to Tracy Davidson for her opening:

How do I tariff thee? At varied rates.

I tariff greatly those I cannot stand,

And those who would not buy a US brand,

Or place our poisoned chicken on their plates.

The prizes go to those below.

Loveliest of fees! My tariff vow –

So fondly made – to disallow

For you, my darling MAGA bride,

The things that foreigners provide.

Be still my trembling heart, and when,

Beloved levies, by my pen,

The order’s signed, let excise soar

And earn the duties I adore.

I have a chart, the chart of doom.

But what care I for global gloom?

I’ll just embrace, with orange glow,

My beautiful imbroglio.

Barbara Jones

I love the sound of tariffs –

I roll them round my tongue:

They make me feel so manly,

So handsome and well-hung.

I’ve got my board of tariffs

That show who’s just been stung –

Money’s waiting to be made –

I’m waiting for my bung!

My friends who love the tariffs

Are beautiful and young:

Jeff and Mark are solid guys

Though Elon’s highly strung…

And when I set my tariffs

On friends and foes far-flung,

I feel like God Almighty

Whose praises will be sung.

J.C.H. Mounsey

Fair tariff, great protectress, rise,

Too long have we remained in thrall

To specious globalising lies.

So throw up high your taxing wall.

Then native industry will grow

Beneath your loving, kind caress

And capital back home will flow,

Twin deficits swiftly redress.

Sustain our lovely manufactures

Though internationally they are weak!

No matter each supply line fractures!

It’s autarky with you we seek.

The Chinese will not harm us now,

Embracing unproductive toil.

Comparative advantage! How

The thought of it makes us recoil!

Benedict King

I think you’re tariff-ic,

Reciprocate, do.

The bevvy of levies

I’ve placed upon you

Strike strong and specific

To match my regard:

They’re lovebites –

Come hoist my petard!

So, c’mon, tariff me:

Retaliate now.