Comp. 3396 invited you to write a poem that endeavoured to romanticise tariffs. There was a fine haul, though a few had to be disallowed for straying from the brief. Praise to George Simmers, Frank McDonald, Janine Beacham, Sylvia Fairley, Tom Adam, Sue Pickard and Elizabeth Kay, among others, and a special mention to Tracy Davidson for her opening:
How do I tariff thee? At varied rates.
I tariff greatly those I cannot stand,
And those who would not buy a US brand,
Or place our poisoned chicken on their plates.
The prizes go to those below.
Loveliest of fees! My tariff vow –
So fondly made – to disallow
For you, my darling MAGA bride,
The things that foreigners provide.
Be still my trembling heart, and when,
Beloved levies, by my pen,
The order’s signed, let excise soar
And earn the duties I adore.
I have a chart, the chart of doom.
But what care I for global gloom?
I’ll just embrace, with orange glow,
My beautiful imbroglio.
Barbara Jones
I love the sound of tariffs –
I roll them round my tongue:
They make me feel so manly,
So handsome and well-hung.
I’ve got my board of tariffs
That show who’s just been stung –
Money’s waiting to be made –
I’m waiting for my bung!
My friends who love the tariffs
Are beautiful and young:
Jeff and Mark are solid guys
Though Elon’s highly strung…
And when I set my tariffs
On friends and foes far-flung,
I feel like God Almighty
Whose praises will be sung.
J.C.H. Mounsey
Fair tariff, great protectress, rise,
Too long have we remained in thrall
To specious globalising lies.
So throw up high your taxing wall.
Then native industry will grow
Beneath your loving, kind caress
And capital back home will flow,
Twin deficits swiftly redress.
Sustain our lovely manufactures
Though internationally they are weak!
No matter each supply line fractures!
It’s autarky with you we seek.
The Chinese will not harm us now,
Embracing unproductive toil.
Comparative advantage! How
The thought of it makes us recoil!
Benedict King
I think you’re tariff-ic,
Reciprocate, do.
The bevvy of levies
I’ve placed upon you
Strike strong and specific
To match my regard:
They’re lovebites –
Come hoist my petard!
So, c’mon, tariff me:
Retaliate now.
Since risky is frisky,
Torpedo the Dow!
I’m standing here stiffly
Primed for a fresh charge.
Tax quickly
And watch me go large!
Adrian Fry
Ah God! to hear the tariffs purr
Across our great America!
To breathe their shocking-sweet and sudden
Airs and graces, blooming, budding
Percentages, and greatness, oh so
Epic, oh so fabuloso.
Say, do the markets swell with pride,
Beating sweetly deep inside?
Is dawn aquiver, musky, mighty,
Diaphanous as Aphrodite?
And sunrise ready to exploit
The automotive cities, like Detroit?
Say, do the tariffs yet beget
Our golden epoch, and… oh! yet
Stands the Dow down at 33?
And is there money left for me?
Bill Greenwell
How do I tot you up? Let’s count the ways
we’ll get the most from our relationship –
that’s you and me in sparring partnership
trading our tariffs through the complex maze
of modern deals. I’ll cover you with praise
while offering percentages that slip
over the edge of sense, knowing you’ll flip,
come back at me, all feisty, eyes ablaze.
I love the way you’re eager for a fight,
how lovers’ quarrels keep us on our toes.
I love how you protect your cherished right,
our ups and downs, our making up, what goes
in circles, endlessly, yet keep in sight
wins for both sides and never come to blows.
D.A. Prince
A new dawn has broken
our land is dew-pearled.
Now tariffs are with us
all’s right with the world.
Tariffs are beautiful,
tariffs are love.
Tariffs are POTUS’s
gift from above.
Tariffs, like foreplay
will lead, we’re assured,
to early surrender
and blissful accord.
For tariffs are love
with its banners unfurled.
And in POTUS’s heaven
they’re right for the world.
Martin Parker
No. 3399: Modern manners
You are invited to supply a traditional bedtime story updated for the 21st century (150 words maximum). Please email entries to competition@spectator.co.uk by 7 May.
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