Spectator competition: new garments and their definitions, plus: write a wintry short story

The idea for the latest challenge was sent in by a reader who, inspired by the emergence of the ‘slanket’, the ‘cardigown’ and the ‘onesie’, suggested inviting competitors to invent new garments and provide definitions. It made for an excellent comp. It has been claimed that we have Sir Winston Churchill to thank for the onesie. Britain’s wartime leader designed his ‘siren’ suit all-in-one with practical considerations in mind, but ended up with quite a collection in a variety of colours, patterns and fabrics. He once wore one to the White House, and so impressed the president’s wife that she announced she was having one made for her husband. Both Brian Murdoch and W.J. Webster suggested dungaroos (a one-piece with a large pouch at the front to carry a baby). And C.J. Gleed and Frank Upton were thinking along the same lines with me-shirt (a garment adorned with the wearer’s banal jokes, vacuous loyalties or boring opinions/a tee with a personal data matrix, linking to the wearer’s social media profiles). I was also taken with Max Ross’s corbigan (any piece of woollen informality worn on formal occasions); David Silverman’s minims (denim jeans designed with so many holes in and so faded that you can hardly see any jeans); G.M. Davis’s emmanessy (descriptive of naff mid-market clothing styles that vainly attempt to hit the fashion trend); and Chris O’Carroll’s costumestible (an artificial fruit, vegetable, pastry, or other food item large enough to be worn as a costume). The entries printed below earn their inventors £6 per garment.

Robert Schechter Hungarees: jeans with extra room in the crotch Purloincloth: stolen underwear Blingerie: diamond-encrusted negligees and petticoats Gaoloshes: prison shower clogs

Jayne Osborn Skousers: a cross between a skirt and trousers, worn by Liverpudlians Knights: tights with built-in knickers

Albert Black Dronesie: a jumpsuit popular with USAF personnel charged with operating distance-killing Beerstalker: headgear fitted with a concealed glass-sized pouch, popular with alcoholics who wander round parties stealing drinks

Bill Greenwell C-fronts: waterproof underwear worn by coastguards, lifeboatmen etc. blueson: hair-shirt worn by the jilted, especially upon waking

Basil Ransome-Davies Mock jockney: Highland dress worn on formal occasions by men whose remote ancestors were Scottish Luxedo: extremely expensive dinner jacket

Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead Smellington Boots: gaily decorated waterproof footwear popular with teenage girls and worn for excessively long periods

Douglas G. Brown Dockstrap: a jockstrap for the man who has undergone sex-change surgery.

George Simmers Brousers: internet-connected legwear Humpty: T-shirt with miserable slogan.

W.J. Webster Brainers: shoes with a brogue top and trainer bottom; designed for the smart but athletic businessman

Adrian Fry Vaultfacsinator: item of female headgear which looks great in the shop, vulgar at Royal Ascot Gilletine: a cardigan from which the sleeves have been crudely cut so as to get the maximum use out of it

C.J. Gleed Kwilt: a padded tartan skirt guaranteed to keep the lower half of the body warm

Roger Slater Beau tie: neckwear for gigolos Reigncoat: the Queen’s jacket Asunderwear: Panties that conveniently separate into two pieces.

G.S. Roper Thai: oriental cravat Slappers: brash and noisy footwear, with bells on, to attract attention at parties

John O’Byrne Obsessories: items added, superfluously, to the wearer’s outfit, e.g., infinity scarves

Mike Morrison Flirt: a flared skirt styled in retro-acknowledgment of 1950s bobbysoxers (q.v.) Lambretta: variation on traditional ecclesiastical headwear (esp. RC); a biretta made from lambskin

Your next challenge is to submit a short story of up to 150 words entitled ‘The Winter’s Tale’. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 18 November.