Comp. 3389 invited you to submit an estate agent’s blurb advertising a property development on Mars. There were many excellent entries, not all of them enticing. Sean Smith’s seemed potentially the most realistic, offering for £4.5 billion a 12 sq m dwelling with private sleeping quarters: ‘private on a rotational basis with other residents’. Nicholas Lee advertised ‘Mars-a-Lago, where namby-pamby accommodation is a thing of the past; where you can hang out with your backwoods pals, eat baked-bean tablets and grow a beard’. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Kay had ‘two enviable corner plots … with magnificent views of the glorious Prekrasny Putin, previously known as Olympus Mons’. Brian Murdoch went full Trump: ‘Frankly, the place was a bombsite, but we’re going to clear away all the broken-down rovers, and any inhabitants (most books describe insignificant greenies or BEMs) will be resettled happily in the methane–rich seaside camps on Titan’, noting also that golfing opportunities abound. Big-ups to the above, along with Janine Beacham, John O’Byrne, Tracy Davidson, Frank Upton and others, and the £25 vouchers go to the following.
Imagine this. The sky is the colour of butterscotch. From the windows you can see blue rocks lying across the spectacular sandy floor. Outside: the desert, deserted. Inside, the perfect breath of the latest ULTRA aircon, with its 17 gorgeous settings, devised by Teslatica™. You’ve seen the high-rise, windowless beasts upon Earth, the way they crowd the soul and cram neighbours together like krill. Now you get an orangery for entertaining, a state-room as your kitchen, a ballroom for your dreams. Sink into the sumptuous red waters of your courtesy pool; pad noiselessly along the lyrical corridors, or take a driverless buggy. All this can be yours. Name your own craters. Gaze up at very your own illuminated manuscript, your slice of Martian sky. This is a forever land. Take your children, little Ψ¶ and ‼∆†, for a moonlight stroll down through the muskelon levels. Drink the complimentary Kool-aid. Live!
Bill Greenwell
Offered for sale is this bright and spacious property situated in a very quiet desirable residential neighbourhood, a cool four planets along from the Sun. Offering good access to Earth and across the wonderful expanses of the picture-postcard Milky Way, Mars is superbly positioned with spectacular views of Ceres and beyond. The site is currently due for a programme of extensive reconstruction and levelling out. Don’t be discouraged by Elton John’s warnings. The local schools, equipped with state of the art insulation, heating infrastructure and spacesuits, will indeed make Mars just the kind of place to raise your kids. The current occupants will be relocated and well taken care of on other beautiful planets, but once this has been completed, the Red Planet will be swiftly redeveloped and will soon be worthy of its reputation as the Riviera of the inner solar system! Viewings available by arrangement.
David Silverman
Introducing Gazillion Heights, an ultra-distanced community of translucent tripodal dwellings available across a range of identically spectacular virgin Martian locations. All are surrounded on every side by vermillion sandscapes inspirational of extra-terrestrial hubris, each can be easily equipped with bespoke details – satellite launchpad, battery bot farm – at your whim. As a tech-focused billionaire Übermensch, you’ll relish a thin, cool atmosphere which renders outdoor activity as impossible as it always was undesirable to you back on what you’ll henceforth call Terra. Your dwelling will be the ultimate omni-purpose, microbe-free office-cum-dormitory; enjoying 40 additional minutes over any Terran day and a preferentially low rate of gravity, Mars will literally give you more time and strength with which to achieve your ambition. There’s no better vantage from which to orchestrate and observe the boiling of Anthropocene Earth, no better springboard from which to draw plans against the very stars.
Adrian Fry
This desirable underground residence is located in the heart of Muskville, within easy Tesla distance of the animatronic Martians at the H.G. Wells Memorial Tripod, and the popular adjoining Orson Welles Panic Experience. Built in the standard X formation, it reflects the philosophy of our founder, being large enough to accommodate a standard family with 13 children; all rooms are tall enough for a four-year-old to be carried permanently on a father’s shoulders. The home is built to exacting modern specifications; In every room a large screen continuously displays favourites from our founder’s X feed. The sewage system is efficient and unique; your waste will be closely monitored. Local amenities are typically Martian, and the location will appeal to those who appreciate a lack of atmosphere. Reminder: Residents may occasionally be required to immediately forward a list of recent home improvements or face eviction. You know it makes sense.
George Simmers
We are delighted to present this stunning residential module located in a highly sought after deluxe colony, home to a vibrant community of neurodiverse tech billionaires. Boasting a stylish igloo profile, the property is rendered in an attractive, radiation-proof mud finish (Martian Red on the Farrow and Ball colour chart) and is secured to the planet surface by a sophisticated anchoring system incorporating state-of-the-art guy ropes and tent pegs available from the vendor at a small additional cost. The dwelling comprises deceptively spacious living quarters flooded with unnatural light and two bijou sleeping pods. It also benefits from an almost constant supply of oxygen and water easily accessed via a 1000ft shaft (ladder provided) into your very own personal glacier. At a mere 143 million miles from Earth, the module is ideal for home working. Price on application. Enquiries to MAGA, Musk Authorised Galactic Accommodation.
Sue Pickard
No. 3392: Out of the tomb
An ancient Egyptian burial place has been identified as that of King Thutmose II, and is the first pharoah’s tomb to be discovered since Tutankhamun’s in 1922. You are invited to write ‘The Curse of King Thut’ (16 lines or150 words maximum). Please email entries to competition@spectator.co.uk on 19 March.
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