Spectator competition: When Ogden Nash met Johnny Cash (plus: brunch with Byron?)

The latest brief was to submit irregular quatrains that bring together two people from the world of the arts and finish on a couplet describing the consequences. Popular couplings included Wendy Cope and Alexander Pope; Salvador Dalì and Bob Marley; Horace and William Morris; and Mel Gibson and Henrik Ibsen. Two competitors paired Tolkien and Graham Greene, with not dissimilar results. Here’s D.A. Prince:

If J.R.R. Tolkien met Graham Greene would a hobbit’s story become The Power and The Glory?

And take two from Virginia Price Evans:

Had J.R.R. Tolkien Met Graham Greene, The Hobbit’s lair Might have been the end of the affair.

This one drew the crowds and the volume of witty and imaginative entries made judging extremely difficult. The winners below take £8 per quatrain.

Robert Schechter If Charlotte Brontë had played Beatrice to Dante might the fruit of their epic affair have been Dante’s literary Eyre?

If Ogden Nash had written songs for Johnny Cash the lyrics might have turned out stronger but the line Johnny walked would have been a whole lot longer.

W.J. Webster If Leonardo da Vinci Had met Maeve Binchy The Madonna of the Rocks Might have worn woollen socks.

If Elvis Presley Had met Charles Wesley, He might have been converted from rock’n’roll To soul

Bill Greenwell If Grace Kelly Had met George Melly, Then her life would have been brainier, But not rainier.

John Whitworth If Cecil B. De Mille Had met Benny Hill, Would The Ten Commandments have had more bits in ’em With tits in ’em?

Rob Stuart If Edward Lear Had met Johannes Vermeer, He might have written ‘There was a young lady from Dearing Who sported a lovely pearl earring…’

Mae Scanlan If Molière Happened across Fred Astaire, I have a feeling They’d both dance on the ceiling.

Sebastian Robinson When Christopher Logue Beheld Kylie Minogue He compared her to Helen, displaying the skill he had In recycling useful bits of the Iliad.

Chris O’Carroll When Alan Ayckbourn Collaborated with Nathaniel Hawthorne, Critics hailed it as a red-letter day In the history of the dysfunctional relationship play.

Brian Allgar If Arthur Waley Had collaborated with Bill Haley, Would his ‘Translations from the Chinese’ have included ‘Wok Around the Clock’?

David Silverman Exclaimed Charles Wesley, On meeting Elvis Presley: ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing: Glory Be! I’ve met the King!’

Sylvia Fairley Mark Twain Told Craig Raine, ‘It’s true Tom Sawyer liked to roam, But he’d always send a postcard home.’

Hugh King If Edward Lear Had met Germaine Greer, Might the young lady from Clare Have chased away that bear?

Noel Petty If Racine Had been spotted by Hughie Green He might have been up there With Molière.

Ray Kelley If Keats and Yeats had met some time In Hampstead, say, or Innisfree, They might have thought their names should rhyme. But Kates or Yeets — which would it be?

Alan Millard If Ruth Rendell Had met Alfred Brendel Might her villains be less sadistic And more pianistic?

P.C. Parrish Had Schnozzle Durante Met the poet Dante One supposes They’d have compared noses.

Anthony Brode wrote ‘Breakfast with Gerard Manley Hopkins’. The next challenge is to describe in verse of up to 16 lines a meal — brunch, high tea, KFC — with a well-known poet, living or dead. Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 22 April.