Bill Greenwell When I meet dear Hills, I will gulp a Me paenitet, o mea culpa. Her back? I will scratch it (Though I love Nurse Ratched.) Put the rest of my speech through a pulper.
Papuans! Feel my remorse: You eat paw-paw and pig! I endorse Your culture and taste And if that seems three-faced, I am happy to be your first course.
Fiona Pitt-Kethley Erdogan was not a wankerer, It was some other guy from Ankara, An expat maybe, With a goat by a tree, Who had not enough Turkish to thankera.
Katie Mallett Let’s hear if for Angela Merkel Though sooner or later some jerk’ll Make fun of her free Open borders (not me), But possibly some angry Turk’ll.
Max Gutmann When I said that compared with the Yanks Chinese cultural influence ranks Next to nil, be aware — Given Hollywood fare — I was merely expressing my thanks.
Frank Upton When I dined with the Chinese ambassador It’s true that I did raise my glass at her But a translator’s slip Spoiled my elegant quip And she thought I had just made a pass at her.
I did indeed call Monsieur Juncker A kakistocratic old clunker But that bathetic bloomer Was mere English Humour — Now please may I climb from my bunker?
If I’d known how your press would react-o I’d have ladled on lashings of tact-o So I hereby revoke My indecorous joke. I said something nice, ex post facto.
John Priestland Yes — African people are tall, I didn’t insult them at all! The term ‘Piccaninny’ Is taken from Pliny — It’s a province just south east of Gaul
Michael McManus At the FO I met with some rancour And resolved I must cut out the canker. I implied that the Turk Was an ungrateful berk I lied: he remembered to thank her.
Brian Murdoch With all that quite ghastly gun crime The Yanks get much Yanker with time, But if Hillary C. Will think better of me I’ll abandon my Ankara rhyme.
Sylvia Fairley I’d like to allay all your fears, Papuans, when eating your peers, Or killing your chief, I don’t mean to give grief, The Tories have done it for years.
Adrian Fry Look, old China, I got the thing wrong; We need trade and the pound isn’t strong. On behalf of my breed I’m empowered to concede Wiff-waff’s yours and by rights called ping-pong.
David Littlewood You Chinese may think I was wrong To say we invented ping-pong. If it was a gaffe To call it whiff-whaff, Just remember we gave back Hong Kong.
David Silverman For the candidate born in Chicago, I’m declaring a critic embargo. For dismissers of Rodham Well, I just say ‘Sod ’em’ — It’s all just lies, myth and farrago.
Sylvia Smith I was simply expressing our bond, For, like her, I’m improbably blond, And a loony-bin nurse Is, I daresay, no worse Than a loony this side of the pond.
Nicholas Hodgson From Boris to his new friend Hillary, Whom I had no intention to pillory: Since I’m masochistic, To call you sadistic Was a compliment — please don’t think ill o’ me.
Your next challenge is to suggest a really bad idea for one, or several, of the folowing (using up to 150 words): a children’s book; an Olympic sport; a television sitcom; a reality TV series. Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by mid-day on 31 August.
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