Spectator competition winners: Mrs Malaprop’s Julius Caesar

In Competition No. 3327 you were invited to submit a rough resumé of the plot of a Shakespeare play such as might have been attemptedby a well-known fictional character of your choice. Literary sleuths featured prominently in the entry, with Poirot, Miss Marple and Sherlock Holmes all making eye-catching appearances. A commendation to George Simmers for Professor McGonagall’s take on Macbeth and to John O’Byrne, who also gave us the Scottish Play, but through the eyes of Molly Bloom. The winners nab £25.

Prince Hamlet is a melankoly dane who rite his girlfrend soppy poetry, chiz. He hav been played by many grate british actors from shaxpeere’s time to the modern da. When his father’s ghost apear to him and sa, ‘I hav been murdered. Avenge me’, he put on an antik disposishun, which is danish for acting madd as a hatter. Soon he stab his girlfrend’s father, who was hiding behind a bedroom curtin. This drive the girl to drown herself after throing about many flowers.

   Hamlet’s unkle, the new king, is now married to Hamlet’s mother and hav plans to kil her son. The king tell the dead girlfrend’s brother to fite a dule with Hamlet and cheet by using a poisen sword, which kil them both. Hamlet’s mother die by drinking poisen wine, and he stab his unkle before expiring himself. It is a masterpeece of british lit.

Chris O’Carroll/Nigel Molesworth’s Hamlet

To summarise in a brief synapsis, this tragic play concerns a group of conspirators jealous of Julius Seizure’s recent victories in warfarin. Enlisting his trusted friend, Brutal, they arrange to illuminate him on the ides of March. Seizure’s wife, Copernicus, fears for his life but her husband, being a proud and pampas man, ignores her. On the fateful day the conspirators huddle round him plunging their sharp diggers into his flesh.