Spectator competition winners: The joy of bad translations (‘For tiptop consummation, finger choice dish and place on kinky table…’)

The request for a set of instructions for an everyday device that have been badly translated into English was prompted by the appearance in my Twitter feed of some oft retweeted instructions for a PVC mobile phone case. It was, the buyer was told, a device of ‘easy schleping and more function’ which ‘can be hunged up at the waist, hunged up at the cervix and free holding’ There are easy laughs to be had at the expense of poorly translated holiday menus, etc (albeit tinged with a guilty awareness of one’s own linguistic shortcomings), but the challenge here was to amuse while staying the right side of intelligible. This you managed with varying degrees of success. On the whole, though, your entries were well judged: funny, charming, poignant even. Hats off to Max Ross and Brian Murdoch. And to P.C. Parrish, who managed to make piercing film lids sound almost exciting: ‘For tiptop consummation, finger choice dish, remove her outer garment while retaining cuffs, place on kinky table, and perforate to let off steam, twisting knob for aspirational timespan.’ The bonus fiver is Adrian Fry’s. His fellow winners take £35.

Adrian Fry Heated welcomes to your Weewaa Washing Machine, especially innovated to match the simplicity of our every user. Before first washing, select a cycle and add detergent. Then you wash without your clothing to remove irrelevant residues left by our expert manufacture process. Also, before your Weewaa Washing Machine is ready, check care labels in all clothes for instructions from your host country administration, with which Weewaa Washing Machine will most happily connive. Relish your Weewaa Washing Machine’s manifold settings such as Easy Care, Economist, Bio, Difficult Care and Random, all of them individually various. Each and all is controlled via Control Panel where you must locate Power button which can be used to switch On and Off, in any order. When On, you view punch sensitive LED display from which you scrutineer all functionality, omnipotently navigating excessively scrollable menus from starters to the ultimate finish line of your prefect wash.

Mike Morrison Before engaging to mantle this device, debox and identity all therein components. Put parts together in the order proscribed, never else. Whenever flat, battery needs be charged with best-quality household electricity. Not for indoor usage. Refuse persons with reduced mental powers to touch the tool; keep far away from children and other toxic substances. The operation switch and grasping handle must be very depressed at the same time. Your tool shall thus run at her own speed. Delightful for achieving difficult locations such as under bush and near offences. When used by operators of any gender it gloriously neatens men and lady gardens. Not to force tool into the rough, lest the battery overeat itself. Always attach protection piece; work diligently up and fro, employing the rhythm method to avoid incidents. Maintenance: keeping clean and well-oiled ensures maximum service joy for years of future.

D.A. Prince To go running for this clock push the battery up the bottom the right way round until a glow lights up. The hands will shake. Move them with the backside button to the exact position of desire for your perfect timing. If you wish to be alarmed you will find this most acceptable by following these movements. Press the rear end function repeatedly as the member moves in time with your actions. This will bring you to the climax of peak alarm when the bell rings loudly. To finish the alarm move slowly the smaller rear end with your digit in the upright position. Failure to achieve this will continuously alarm you. We hope you are satisfied. It will give hours of pleasure if you maximise your daytime watching. Do not beam it in the sun or let the under-age mutilate it. When over please re-bike it with attention.

John Plowman You need to wash those smutty vessels? Fed up to the dentures with products that deflate? Let us widen your horizontals. We have just the piece of cat you need. You will always find us trying. When it comes, make sure it is lying flat before connecting to the principals. And make it flush. The machine runs hot and cold. Not forgetting to tighten the connection until the pipes squeak. It also works better with added condiment. Don’t interrupt the velocipede at any stage. When finished, your diners will be disposed of and your insides should be hot, steamy and sparkling. We are not expecting trouble but all complainants will be dealt with; and a lifetime warrant will be issued. Full servitude guaranteed.

W.J. Webster Compliments! With this moment you are become the gratified keeper of the Denkwoo Quizine, the top piece of the chef’s kit. It will surely revolve your kitchen. Before going to work, control the parts of your outfit and order them to be employed. The next, allocate the basin to the spring of power by sliding the tongue until you feel engaged. Follow with high-speed shaft under cover. Take precautions all the times for escaping accidents: finger the choppers with peculiar care. The machine accepts for procession the higher number of stuffs but more hard bits (as the carrot) are better to introduce in cubicles. (Never use your instrument for grinding: you will blunten the leaf.) Well, with these instructions we have finished up our fundamental part. Now it is up yours. We wish you good chance as chef with the Quizine in operations under you. Enjoy!

Walt Whitman’s Guide to Manly Health and Training was reviewed recently in The Spectator’s books pages. Your next challenge is to supply an extract from another writer’s Guide to Manly Health and Training (or, if you prefer, Guide to Womanly Health and Training). Please email entries, wherever possible, of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 31 May.