Lucy Vickery

Spectator competition: write a dating advert for an MP

Valentine’s Day is looming and love is in the air. So our competition this week is a profile for an online dating website for a well-known politician, living or dead. Please leave entries (of up to 150 words) in the comments, below, or email to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 12 February.

Last week, you were invited to compose an address to an item of food –  inspired by Burns’s ‘Address to a Haggis’, that ‘Great chieftain o the puddin’-race’, but you were not obliged to write in his style. Albert Black went for a Kipling-Burns mash-up and other competitors drew on Shelley and Shakespeare.

Jim Hayes, Martin Parker, Mae Scanlan, Philip Machin and David Cram were unlucky losers. The winners below earn £25 each and Basil Ransome-Davies pockets £30.

Basil Ransome-Davies

Eggs Benedict, you pop my cork!
I’m immune to the charms of a black-buttered
skate
Or a Frenchified way with roast pork.
A confit de canard is not my soul-mate —
A touch would embarrass my fork —
While lapin au cidre I candidly hate,
But I put out for you on our very first date
In that old luncheonette in New York.







In your lemony Hollandaise dress
That clung to your contours like satin or moire
You were succulence yoked with finesse,
Divine, thaumaturgic, a luminous star
Draped on bacon and toast. I confess
That my heart madly throbbed like a rhythm
guitar
And to stay on my stool I grabbed hold of the
bar
As I breathed an incredulous Yes!








Mary Holtby
Some Scottish blood I claim — the snag is
This night when Scotsmen fly the flag is
Inexorably linked with HAGGIS,
And that to me
Simply a stomach-turning bag is,
A dish to flee.





And even if that wasn’t satis
They add revolting NEEPS and TATTIES
(Plus booze which to indulgent fatties
Is genius loci).
Let me invoke my option — that is,
The humble smokie:




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