The second round of prison inmate releases is taking place today, with over one thousand people walking free from their institutions early. The jailbirds have been warned to be on their best behaviour this time – after the first release resulted in gleeful criminals popping champagne corks over freedom day coming early. But despite warnings to keep the celebrations to a minimum, a number of flash cars – including a Rolls Royce Cullinan, one of the most expensive supercars in the world – have graced prison grounds as families and friends pick up prisoners.
Not that the Prime Minister has been all that thrilled by events. Sir Keir Starmer has said today he ‘shares the public’s anger’ at the rather strange scenes being recorded outside prisons, with jubilant inmates sending their thanks to the PM as they return to their families. The PM has released around 1,100 prisoners this time around – and claims that ‘there was no choice not to act’. With so many people let out, Mr S is rather interested in exactly who the charmers Starmer’s army is letting run free today…
The pro-Keir kidnapper
Greeted with a family convoy constituting of a white Bentley and black Mercedes outside of HMP Swaleside today, inmate Daniel Dowling-Brooks hailed the PM as he left prison today. ‘Big up Keir Starmer!’ the delighted criminal cried as he left the institution – where the 29-year-old been set to spend seven years after being jailed for kidnap and grievous bodily harm. Crikey. And the first thing the ex-prisoner planned to do with his freedom? ‘Go to McDonalds.’ It’s the simple things…
Money-laundering millions
A 50-year-old man who received a 12-year sentence in 2020 for laundering, er, £3 million, was released from HMP Wandsworth today after serving just four years. While he didn’t receive a family convoy of cars on his release, his cousin Ahmed turned up to collect him in, um, a Lamborghini Urus worth a quarter of a million pounds. Alright for some…
While his cousin wouldn’t speak to the press, Ahmed lamented to journalists that ‘it’s not fair’ in prison, adding:
They treat you like dogs. You only get 30 minutes of your cell a day, I’ve seen people go insane. Prison doesn’t rehabilitate you, paedophiles and rapists are getting sent to jail and serving less than my cousin who was sentenced to 10 years. The sentence guidelines don’t make sense.
Some might argue that letting a prisoner out eight years early doesn’t make much sense either…
Drug dealers walk free
Walking out of HMP Ford today was a drug dealer who told Sun journalists his name was Mr Taylor. Serving just four years of a 10-year sentence, the convicted criminal described Labour’s early release scheme as a ‘positive step’. Claiming he was ‘rehabilitated from the day I was nicked,’ the dealer noted about his newfound freedom: ‘I’ve got a company to run now, so I can get back to that. I won’t be in here again.’ The Labout lot will certainly be hoping not…
Labour voter base gains an identity thief
Dear oh dear. The single prisoner released from east London’s Category B HMP Thameside served less than a third of his 10-month sentence before he was set free. The happy chap, who had been incarcerated over identity theft, thanked the PM for only having to spend three months behind bars – before informing journalists cheerfully: ‘I’m a Labour voter! I just think Labour is going to be better.’ And why on earth might that be the case, eh?
…and Starmer gains a supporter jailed for assault
Sir Keir may be rather annoyed by the sight of euphoric inmates swaggering out of prisons and thanking him for their early release – but it appears the Labour government’s policy has gained the party several additional voters. Jamal Simpson, who left HMP Brixton today, hailed the early release scheme as ‘a really good idea’. It transpires that the 35-year-old jailed for actual bodily harm was released after serving less than half of his five year sentence. ‘I’ll be voting for Labour and Keir Starmer for sure,’ he promised. Quelle surprise…
Comments