Tamzin Lightwater looks back on 2008

January 2008

Jacqui Smith nips out for a kebab in a bid to look Modern, but stupidly reveals that she’s scared of being stabbed. This gives us an idea and we begin arranging similar outings for Dave on the mean streets of North Kensington where he is snapped in a variety of Ordinary places including the late night Spar (the food shop, not the Thai massage place on the corner, obviously). As Northern Rock goes wrong I predict recession — not bad for a girl!

February

Fly-on-the-wall documentary revealing how Dave eats breakfast only gets mixed reviews. Undaunted, we begin the now legendary process of finessing our historic commitment to match Labour spending plans. Dave also shows heroic strength and decisiveness by almost immediately withdrawing the whip from Derek Conway for using his Commons allowance to pay his son to lie in bed. All our MPs rack their brains to make sure they haven’t inadvertently done something similar. On the Modern front, Dave speaks movingly for the first time about his vegetable patch and gets caught cycling dynamically through a red light!

March

We launch deeply moral campaign to remove the Speaker after it emerges that his wife takes black cabs everywhere at taxpayer expense. Everyone at Tory HQ goes through their latest expenses claims and takes out black cab receipts. Focus grouping shows the public now supports tax rises and banning City bonuses. You can’t argue with the punters, so we decide to have A Bit Of A Re-think. Mr Lansley goes too far and makes a fool of himself by promising to increase health spending. As does Mr Hammond by claiming we are not going to cut taxes. Silly silly! Gids jeopardises our Mayoral campaign by taking Boris to the hairdressers. On the plus side, Dave encounters a great white shark while swimming in the latest Vilebrequins and Little Al Duncan announces the Tory’s first ever Civil (gay) Partnership!