Tamzin’s Guide to the Conservative Party Conference

Sunday

What more compassionate way to open than by allowing Mrs Spelperson to lead us in prayer at an inclusive service for all faiths and none at Birmingham’s historic yet modern town hall? (Some of us need to pray harder than others of course, especially those who might have broken parliamentary expenses rules, but we’ll say no more about that now.) To give things an urban edge, our special music guest stars will perform hip hop hymns. As you know, Dave has always been a big fan of gangsta rap. Can’t wait to hear ‘I Vow to Thee, Emcee, My Country’!

In the conference hall: ‘Get To Know Birmingham’ with Andrew Mitchell, our very own Brummie! (It’s true. He was educated at Rugby, which is just down the road according to my map); Boris Johnson, on dismantling Heathrow, becoming the next leader of the Conservative party and other blue skies thinking; Liam Fox, on how the bond of trust has broken down between our leaders and the massed ranks (that’s Gordon and the armed forces, not Dave and the Tory grass-roots, obviously); Nations and regions: Quick speeches about N. Ireland, Scotland, Wales and all the other bits we value immensely. Now, I know what you’re thinking. This session’s a bit crowded. Trust me, it’s all under strict control. And unlike Gordon, who limits his people to seven minutes to stop them launching a leadership bid, Dave is limiting his people to seven minutes to stop them unveiling a heap of irresponsible and uncosted policies. That’s discipline for you.

On the fringe: DD on Democracy (venue and time tbc). When I rang to get more info he said: ‘I’ve gone dark. It’s black ops.’ When I asked if he could be any more specific he said he would be ‘nowhere and everywhere’.