Has a certain media mogul had a visit from three ghosts recently? I only ask as this year’s Sky Christmas schedule is so packed with treats and big-hitters that it can’t possibly be explained by hard-nosed commercialism. An outbreak of sudden seasonal generosity seems to be the only explanation.
Whatever has triggered Sky’s largesse, the result is a little something for everyone – including those of us best described as jaded anti-Christmas types. I was particularly pleased to see the return of Billie Piper in the deliciously sardonic I Hate Suzie. From Succession writer Lucy Prebble, it’s the chaos comedy that makes Fleabag feel like Emily in Paris. If you need an outlet from seasonal niceties, this is it.
Series two, which began on Sky Atlantic last night and can also be found on Now TV, sees Piper’s Suzie Pickles – a former child pop star now reeling from the shock of a messy divorce and an intimate photo leak – attempt to reset her public image by appearing, Matt Hancock-style, on a cringeworthy reality television vehicle. As with much of Prebble’s work, though, it’s the pugilistic wit that really makes it sing.
Sky’s more traditional seasonal picks include The Unofficial Science of Home Alone, in which comics James Acaster and Guz Khan team up with award-winning engineer Dr Zoe Laughlin to test the feasibility – and the deadliness – of Kevin McCallister’s legendary traps. You can catch the results already on Sky on-demand and Now TV.
Another offering has Suranne Jones starring as the Scrooge figure – a Michelle Mone-like business tycoon called Carole – in an offbeat retelling of Charles Dickens’s Christmas classic (Christmas Carole). This time around the ghostly visitations come in the form of comedians – including Jo Brand and Morecambe and Wise (the latter two played by impressionists). It’s on Sky Max on Christmas Eve at 8 p.m.
Spared the hanging sword of privatisation, Channel 4 opts for an unconventional choice this Christmas, pinning its hopes on an old-fashioned two-part court drama. It helps, of course, that the case in question just happens to be most keenly devoured of the year. Vardy v Rooney: A Courtroom Drama begins tonight at 9 p.m., with a script based on verbatim transcripts from the real thing.
At the time of writing, the broadcaster has yet to confirm who will be giving this year’s Alternative Christmas Message at 5.25 p.m. on Christmas Day. Of course we all know who the real controversial option would be. But unless a cash-strapped state broadcaster can suddenly match the colossal sums paid by Spotify and Netflix, we can assume that’s off the table for now.
Elsewhere on Channel 4, the family fun starts on Christmas Eve, with Claire Sweeney, Tony Robinson and Terry Christian among the contestants in The Great Christmas Bake Off at 8.25 p.m. And hot on its heels comes The Greatest Snowman (Boxing Day, 7.30 p.m.): a similarly twee showdown in which celebrity snow-builders have their efforts judged by a team of professional ice-sculptors (as well as last year’s winner Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen).
Another hit returning from last year is Mark Gatiss’s Victorian ghost story – hopefully on its way to becoming a festive fixture for BBC Two. This time around the ghoulish tale is M.R. James’s Count Magnus, with Jason Watkins playing a 19th century gentleman who unwisely probes into the morbid history of a landed Swedish family. It will be broadcast on Friday 23 December at 10 p.m.
The Beeb also has the best options when it comes to entertaining the kids. The top pick has to be the animated adaptation of The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse – an acclaimed children’s story from one-time Spectator cartoonist Charlie Mackesy. Tom Hollander, Idris Elba and Gabriel Byrne all lend their voices to this heartwarming tale, which airs on BBC One at 4.55 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
And if the dark days of fascist Italy sound like an unsuitable setting for a family film, you haven’t factored in the deft touch of Guillermo del Toro. The Pan’s Labyrinth supremo has chosen Mussolini’s reign as the perfect setting for his stop-motion take on Pinocchio. It’s available on Netflix – with an age recommendation of 11 upwards.
Meanwhile when it comes to the usual Christmas fixtures getting seasonal specials (Call The Midwife, Strictly, Mrs Brown’s Boys), you’ll find a new name – as BBC’s gentle comedy Detectorists joins the ranks of shows regarded as loved enough to merit a prime slot and an extended running time. Lance (Toby Jones) and Andy (Mackenzie Crook) will be doing their thing on Boxing Day from 9 p.m.
Finally, if you’re looking for something very different and much darker, allow me to recommend Mr Inbetween – a brilliantly-written Australian black comedy about the complicated personal life of a gangland hitman. Despite meeting the benchmark of the likes of Breaking Bad and Gomorrah, it has hardly had a speck of coverage in this part of the world. And more’s the pity.
Luckily British viewers can find this hidden gem in the archives of Disney+, which has all three seasons ready to watch. No, there’s nothing Christmassy about it whatsoever. But if you like good crime dramas that steer clear (mostly) of macho clichés, you can consider it an early present from me.
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