The perfect pub

Whenever one of those news stories appears about how many pubs have been forced to close in the last year, I always think of George Orwell. He would have had the correct reaction: lots of pubs are forced to close because they’re terrible. Yes, the pub is a wonderful British institution, with a long and noble history — but that doesn’t mean that any individual pub has a God-given right to stay open forever. If a landlord waters down his beer and scowls at his customers, as plenty of them do, they’ve only got themselves to blame when the bailiffs come knocking.

We know Orwell had strong opinions on the subject because he wrote an article about it, setting out the qualities of the perfect pub, a sadly mythical place he called the Moon Under Water. He loved open fires and china mugs, and hated barmaids who called you ‘ducky’ rather than ‘dear’. But all this has dated somewhat. In fact, 2016 will mark the essay’s 70th anniversary — so let’s get ready with our list of demands for the perfect modern pub:

Change in your hand, not on a tray. What on earth is this tray thing about? You think I’m going to tip you by leaving some of coins when I pick them up? After I’ve stood at the bar to get served? Sorry, but the only thing I want on a tray is the head of the man who had the idea for giving people their change on a tray.

Staff who know who’s next. It’s a basic requirement of the job that you keep an eye on who arrived at the bar when. A customer who has to say ‘Excuse me, I’m next’ is in the same position as someone needing to tell their electrician which wire to cut next.