The recent self-defenestration of Nicola Sturgeon led to a rash of columns listing her dazzling lack of actual achievements, many of which added the caveat that she was the consummate, in fact the most successful, politician of her generation. These statements seemed somewhat contradictory at first glance. But then the reader remembered – oh, yeah, right – the other politicians of her generation.
Looking back over the last 13 years of Tory governance, it’s hard to find anything to stick laurels on. Brexit was an achievement, yes, but that was foisted on the Tories by an uncooperative public, and the Tories tried their damndest to wriggle out of it even then (and they still might). It’s true that the Tories have been hobbled by three successive crises in 13 years – in reverse order: Covid, Theresa May, and the Lib Dems – but their squandering of the 2019 landslide, sunk in a mire of schoolboy errors, money grubbing and internecine squabbling, is very hard to forgive.
With 18 months maximum left in power, why not indulge in a blaze of last minute policy glory
When they are booted out there are going to be thousands of words written about where they went wrong, so I thought I’d get in early. A major contributing factor, I think, is their unwillingness to deal with the bombs deliberately planted by their Labour predecessors to make it very difficult for them to govern as conservatives. Labour kindly left the Equality Act to jigger up the law, in-work benefits to skittle productivity and the 45p tax rate to knacker the economy, all of which the Tories could not be seen to reverse without incurring the wrath of the public, or at least the media (though Liz Truss tried with the tax rate, because she had no idea how the public would react). And so we’ve had 13 wasted years of going with the New Labour flow, which feels nice and easy, kind of, until it carries you over the weir and on to the rocks beneath.
But hang on. Dominic Raab’s sudden and apropos-of-nothing, honest guv’ announcement that male sexual and violent offenders are to be automatically barred from accommodation in women’s prisons was a strangely spirited sign of life, or possibly death throes. It’s the kind of policy an incoming Labour government would have trouble reversing because of the squirm factor. It would redraw massive press attention to their trans fudge, and expose individual MPs and cabinet members to mass media mockery.
Good work, Raab. So, are the Tories thinking of leaving some roadside incendiary gifts of their own for the Starmer administration? With 18 months maximum left in power, why not indulge in a blaze of last minute policy glory, and spike Angela Rayner’s cannon a bit before she can get her eager mitts on it?
Starmer himself could never be accused of being doctrinaire. His cast-iron pledges of Tuesday are often replaced by his totally contradictory cast-iron pledges of Thursday. Behind his blandness there is only blankness. His political philosophy seems to be that there should be a Labour government with him in charge because there should be a Labour government with him in charge, and he is strangely personally unembarrassable, despite his nervy expression. But he likes to be seen as a sensible, capable adult. The Tories should sew some fish into the curtains of Downing Street before he moves in, things that make him blink and flounder on television, away from the Commons. They should leave Labour with a mine or two – they’ve nothing to lose, and at least they’d leave us smiling as they go.
What could these policies be? This could easily slip into Fantasy Politics, but I’ll try to rein in fanciful ideas like ‘no more than one white person with dreadlocks permitted in any square mile’ which would end the menace of Extinction Rebellion at a stroke, or the introduction of ‘insensitivity readers’ – people hired to rewrite modern novels to get up the noses of publishing staff – and stick to the art of the possible.
First off: enact explicit laws, with enforcement powers, protecting the reality of biological sex, and protecting the employment rights of the ‘gender critical’. Ban the police and the NHS, in fact any public body, outright from displaying any symbol but their own logo.
How about mandatory local referendums on the housing of migrants? Better still, why not declare a national emergency and commandeer public buildings, Brideshead-style, as migrant accommodation centres? It’s surely unfair to drop hundreds of arrivals on the poorest areas in the land like Knowsley, after all. Prime sites could possibly include the National Theatre, the offices of the BBC and ITV News, or Islington Town Hall. I’ve a suspicion this might concentrate minds on the issue wonderfully.
Or why not create an Equality Act-style requirement that every single new piece of legislation has legally to be assessed for its ‘impact’ on British culture? You could get round the Blob on that by convening the assessors from randomly selected juries. What fun. Imagine Labour having to deal with that, rubbing up against the actual public (not their Hearts and Flowers version) and looking like appalling snobs if they try to bin the legislation.
Go on, Tories, you know you want to. Be creative, at last. The only trouble is, if you enacted enough of these kinds of policies then in 2024 – well, you might win.
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