There’s nothing cute about a Canuck

Next week, when the Winter Olympics come to Vancouver, the eyes of the world will be on Canada, the sprawling, frigid nation of my birth. It doesn’t happen often, so when the international spotlight swivels our way, we Canadians do our best to hog it. We don’t go in for patriotism and self-belief like our American cousins, but like the shy wallflower who ends up closing the karaoke bar with a lampshade on her head, Canadians are compelled to make fools of ourselves if we are flattered into thinking anyone might notice.

So brace yourself in the coming weeks, Britain, for a gushing torrent of maple-flavoured praise for all things Canuck. You are going to hear about our glowing social democracy, our courageous war record, our unparalleled health and welfare system, and our ability to maintain trim waists and white teeth despite an insatiable appetite for honey lager and harp seal (which is exceptionally nutritious and a boon to the Nordic economy, no matter what Stella McCartney might say). In exchange for the privilege of viewing the women’s curling finals, you will be forced to sit through countless televised parades and ceremonies featuring Iroquois tribal throat singing, snow-capped Rocky Mountain vistas and cartoon beavers wearing scarves and toques (pronounced ‘tewks’).

Do not be fooled. Despite its cuddly, stuffed-moose-in-an-alpine-sweater image, Canada is not the upstanding egalitarian democracy it might seem at first glance. While volunteers are busy serving up complimentary poutine and ice wine to members of the International Olympic Committee, the Canadian government, led by Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper (a man with the heart of a lynx and the pale eyes of a husky) has prorogued parliament in order to avoid a public grilling on two major matters of public interest: the torture of detainees handed over to local authorities by Canadian troops in Afghanistan and the government’s obstinate refusal to meet its targets for curbing climate emissions.