These screen suicides deserve a nudge off the ledge

A Long Way Down is about four would-be suicides who meet for the first time on the top of a tall London building, intending to jump, but instead of jumping they decide to hang around and annoy the hell out of us for the next 90 minutes. Had I known what I know now, and had I also been on top of that tall building, I might well have given them all a hefty nudge.

Based on the Nick Hornby novel, which, in itself, may not be the most successful of Hornby’s novels, it opens on New Year’s Eve on top of that building as our suicidal quartet truck up. Firstly, it is Pierce Brosnan as Martin Sharp, a former breakfast television star whose fling with a 15-year-old — ‘I thought she was 25!’ — led to a spell in prison and the end of his career and marriage. This is why he is sad. Although why we are meant to feel for him, as we are, rather than for the 15-year-old or his ex-wife or his children, is anyone’s guess. Anyway, let’s crack on, as I don’t wish to waste more time on this than I already have. Really.

So there is Martin, but also Imogen Poots as Jess, the daughter of a politician. She is meant to be deeply messed up but comes across as such a spoiled, entitled idiot and so irritatingly ‘kooky’ you will want to nudge her off the ledge first. Also, we have Aaron Paul as J.J, a failed musician who now delivers pizzas and claims to have brain cancer, and Toni Collette as Maureen. Maureen is the single mother of a severely disabled son and is obviously a middle-aged frump of the kind who has never properly lived because she is only ever seen in a cardigan, which is always a lazy film’s shorthand for the middle-aged frump who has never properly lived, even though it makes no sense whatsoever.