Time wasting

I had to transfer some money into my Polish builder’s bank account the other day, so I rang up the Lloyds TSB Execmaster Super VIP service helpline.

I had to transfer some money into my Polish builder’s bank account the other day, so I rang up the Lloyds TSB Execmaster Super VIP service helpline. As usual, I wasn’t permitted just to make my transaction and get on with my life. First, the helpful person at the other end impressed on me, I would really need to sort out my bank accounts. Currently, he had noticed, I held my money in a Greyman Ordinaire Current account and a Crapmeister Lo-Interest Saver account and this was losing me money.

‘Have you thought about transferring your funds into one of our new Spanglo Plutocrat Wealth-Enhancer Imperator accounts?’

‘Not really,’ I replied. ‘Whenever I say “Yes” to these things, I find I spend the next half hour being transferred from department to department, till eventually someone asks me lots of boring, Euro-regulatory due-diligence questions for an account I never really wanted that much in the first place. And, well, I’ve got a job to do.’

‘No, no, it won’t take long. And it really will make a difference to your interest earnings,’ said the man.

So I said, ‘Yes.’ And, sure enough, exactly the thing I predicted would happen happened. Half an hour utterly wasted.

The next week I got a text from the bank’s security department. It seemed that they wanted to verify that I really had wanted that money put in my Polish builder’s account, and until I confirmed it the transaction would be frozen. The text warned me that I might be charged for the call, so I texted them to say they should call me: their security issue, not mine, so why should I pay for it?

They never did call me so, with the builder squealing for his money, I eventually called them.