Tittle-tattle

In Competition No. 2414 you were invited to supply some typically trivial twaddle from a gossip column. All my life, from the days of ‘Jennifer’s’ vapid chatter in the Tatler to the more toxic and intrusive modern muck-rakers, I have regarded gossip columnists, along with the paparazzi, as one of the lower forms of life. A son of mine, in search of journalistic experience, was taken on as one. In my eyes he responded admirably by being sacked for ‘unsuitability’ a few weeks later. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus fiver goes to Thomas Loughborough. Enjoy.

What’s Millie short for? Because she’s got short legs, of course! No wonder, then, that when the delightfully petite Lady Millicent Time-Warner skipped up at last night’s Bowled Over premiere her famously immaculate ankles were winking out from beneath no less than three inches of trouser turn-up. But did our eagle eye detect a hint of a freckle? Meanwhile across the duckpond, turning up seems to have become a problem for Hal Featen. I’m told the once fresh-faced guitar stroker missed a game of golf because he accidentally scheduled a late lunch with his brother for the same afternoon! The sibling in question was later spotted rattling around the 19th hole looking a mite teed off. And West Sussex wags have chirped into my ear that behind the still unpainted window frames chez Wyn DeWinter oranges have become very much the only fruit. He munches two a day! Pip-pip.
Thomas Loughborough

Michael Winner’s new blazer caused a stir at Le Caprice this week. Could it be green, fellow-diners were wondering, or was it a trick of the light? To forsake his habitual discreet navy would be a radical departure for the ebullient bon viveur.