TripAdvisor reviews — with added spice

In Competition No. 3142 you were invited to supply a review on TripAdvisor that has been spiced up with a number of misprints.

You saw this challenge for what it was: a brazen invitation to lower the tone. Take this snippet, for example, from Brian Murdoch: ‘The only problem we had was that I had taken my tablet, but the wife never seemed to function in the bedroom, so if I wanted to get on to the pet I had to go into the pubic areas downstairs.’ And Mike Morrison: ‘Constant hot waiter on top in each room.’

But while most went the full oo-er-missus! there was the occasional respite from the relentless innuendo. Here’s Max Ross, on the charms of Edinburgh: ‘Or stay above ground and follow the Royal Mice to where Scotland’s big cheese sits in splendour. The Parliament building resembles an upturned chip and when you see it you know you’re in Hollywood.’

Alan Millard’s Mrs Malaprop-inspired entry, also infused with a more gentle humour, is among those to scoop the prizes. He and his fellow winners take £30 apiece. Dishonourable mentions go to Adrian Moss and Tracy Davidson. And hang your head in shame, Basil Ransome-Davies.

I wish I could report favourably on our weekend at the Farter’s Arms, supposedly a quiet rural inn. Unfortunately the night of our arrival was Quim Night, obviously with grand prizes for the winners because it very noisy with much coming and going. And I have to report that at breakfast the next morning the Freud eggs were hard. Who is the cock here? Not a trained parson, that much is obvious. On the plus side, my wife and I certainly enjoyed wanking in the local hells, where we got our bots muddy and felt the wind in our faeces.